Monday, April 10, 2006

Big Head Niggas

First of all...fuck Terrell Owens! That nigga is in desparate need of a T.O.. Sure, he got his big deal in Big D. But, in the end, he'll fuck that up too. Why? Because when you're that gassed...and your head is that fucking big...it's hard to keep your feet on the ground. It's hard to believe that the sun doesn't rise and set on your ass. It's hard to understand that you are such a miserable muthafucka that a team would rather pay you millions to go the fuck away than force you to honor your contract. Alright, let me slow down. Not everybody loves football (though everybody should!).

Quickly, here's the history of Terrell Owens in the NFL...in a nutshell. He started out in San Francisco where he developed into a miserable muthafucka. There, he attacked his quarterback, Jeff Garcia. Professional that he is, he even resorted to the 3rd grade classic "He's gay!" That's class. Never mind that it's T.O. who insists on prancing around practice in tights...not that there's anything wrong with that. So, despite his being arguably the best receiver in football, San Francisco said sayonara to Terrell.

Now, there may be no 'I' in team, but there is one in paid. And that's what T.O. figured he'd be once he became a free agent. One small problem. His agent fucked up the paperwork and he didn't become a free agent. So, San Francisco seized the opportunity to fuck T.O. (figuratively, of course) and shipped his ass off to Baltimore, the wide receiver equivalent of Siberia. Terrell stamped his feet. "They're picking on me," he said. He got his way. He signed a big free agent deal and went off to Philly where his ass would be catching balls from Donovan McNabb. (Seriously, I'm not trying to make this sound gay.)

Then, in Philly, T.O. turns on Donovan McNabb, who may just be the most likable guy in sports. (And that's coming from a Giants fan who hates the fucking Eagles.) This, despite the fact that McNabb had his back when he got to Philly...even described him as a good teammate...with a straight face! All of a sudden, McNabb, who made it to the NFC Championship Game three straight years throwing to guys with the nicknames "Trash" and "Stinkston", sucked.

Robin Harris used to tell a joke about a kid asking him what two humping dogs were doing. Not wanting to blow the kid's mind, he explains that the one in the back hurt his leg and the one in the front is helping him out. Then the kid turns to him and says, "Ain't that just like a friend. Try to help them out and they'll fuck you every time." I'm guessing Donovan McNabb gets that joke.

Alright, so the football-challenged among you are caught up. Almost. What price did T.O. pay for proving to be an absolute asshole? The Dallas Cowboys signed this miserable muthafuckin' malcontent. They will be paying him big fuckin' bucks. He got his way...again! And the shit makes my blood boil. I heard that his jerseys are the top sellers in Dallas already. That makes me sick. It just goes to prove what hypocrites sports fans can be. A guy could be caught jerking off into the empty skull of a baby he just boiled, but if he might help your favorite team get to the Super Bowl then he's A-okay. (see Kobe "Room Serviced" Bryant)

This country is upside-fuckin-down. It seems like the best thing you can do is be the worst possible person you can be. Then you get paid the big bucks. Then you get the reality show. That's right. The makers of "Trading Spaces" are producing a reality show on T.O. Apparently, they are in on the conspiracy to make me go all Michael Douglass in "Falling Down".

The more of a piece of shit human being you prove to be, the better off you are. If you're the infamous Omarosa and lie and cheat and cost a muthafucka the job on "The Apprentice" (and act like you cute...when you are as ugly outside as you are inside...and that's pretty goddamn ugly!) you get a Burger King deal. You show up on other TV shows. And if I heard right, somebody pays you to write a book. What the fuck is that?!

The more of a cocksucker you prove to be, the better off you are. If you're Paris Hilton, Barbara Walters interviews you for being...I don't know...the most popular ho on the internet. And though she's not an athlete -- unless chintop billiards has been declared a real sport -- this shit is all related, man. Do you know that I saw a clip of her mother on "I Want To Be A Hilton" advising young women on how to be ladies?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? Where do you get off, "lady"? (We already know where your daughter gets off...in front of a camera.) You have no idea how many hours of prayer it took to mend the vein that ruptured in my brain at that moment.

But back to big head niggas and the cities that love them. Am I the only one who is sick of Barry Bonds, the King of the Big Head Niggas? He was chosen as king because he is LITERALLY a Big Head Nigga. Goddamn! That muthafucka is walking around with the Rock of Gibraltar balancing on his thick ass neck and he expects us to believe that he wasn't juicing. Even he can't say that shit with a straight face. He sued the writers of "Game of Shadows", a book that outlined his steroid use, not for libel, but for some backdoor bullshit about how they got their information. That is the equivalent of this marital exchange:


HUSBAND: Are you fucking Harry?

WIFE: Who told you that?


Any answer but "no" means "yes." If she ain't fuckin' Harry, she's going to say, "No!"

And now, predictably, "Bonds on Bonds" is brought to us on ESPN. Barry needs to get around the prosecutors and persecutors and tell his side of the story. What's your side, Barry? That you didn't feel you were getting your love, so you cheated. That you are determined to break Hank Aaron's record and you don't care if you've taken so much horse hormone that you gallop and neigh your way around the bases when you do it. And now you have the nerve to say that you are being singled out because you're Black.

Barry, they say that patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. Well, one nigga to another, I tell you that racism has become the last refuge of a Black scoundrel. O.J. Michael Jackson. You. Everybody gets real fucking political when the shit hits the fan. Hank Aaron had to go through some real shit. Death threats. You're upset because people ask you an obvious and simple question. Did you use steroids? The answer is as clear as your Incredible Hulk-like growth spurt. But we'd like you to answer the question...honestly.

Instead you play like you're Jackie Robinson or Larry Doby breaking the color line. You ain't, muthafucka. The line you crossed is a simple one. You cheated. There's not a kindergartener who doesn't know that cheating is wrong. But why should you care? You'll break the record and you'll cross the only color line that matters to you big head niggas--the one you cross over to get to the green.

I would say, "If the cap fits, wear it." But who the fuck can find a cap big enough to fit you big head niggas?!

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You left out the part where the Rev. Jesse Jackson came to T.O.'s defense after T.O.'s agent led him down the wrong path by having him sit out of practice. Rev. Jesse Jackson actually said that he spoke with T.O. and feels that he's sorry. AND that he's being unfairly persecuted for taking steps to secure his future!!!!!!

Jim Crow...T.O. See they sound alike. That's why Jesse got involved!

nik

10:23 AM  
Blogger New Millennium Nigga said...

Nik,

Jesse didn't have your email address, but he wanted this to be forwarded to you:

Wherever there's a camera
whether film or video
Wherever there's a camera
there surely I will go
I must enunciate and pontificate
as I speak in rhyme
because I only comfortable
when the spotlight is all mine
So when I am full of shit
please give me a pass
I have made quite a good living
talking out my ass
From conventions to "Barber Shop"
From T.O. to Mrs. Terri Schiavo
I wish that I could take a news crew
Everywhere that I go!

KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

Rev. Jesse "I Was There When Dr. King Was Killed" Jackson

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

tiff.

"the girl who's waiting patiently to be able to speak intelligently..on a subject that she knows something about..."

12:39 AM  

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