U.S.A.D.D.

NEW MILLENIUM NIGGA NEWS BRIEF (transcript provided by Reuters)
(credit given to Paul Mooney who introduced the idea of "The Nigga News" years ago)

NMN: With a media landscape that is overrun with sensationalized stories, we here at The New Millennium Nigga News Brief take great pride in bringing you the important stories. And today we have just one of those types of stories for you.


August 29, 2006. Do you know what today is?


A small square over NMN's shoulder reads "Do You Know What Today Is?"

NMN: It's our anniversary. One year ago today Katrina and Dubya proved that they have something in common. For one, the fact that they blew last August caused a lot of people to die. I mean, the way they took New Orleans by storm... Turn out the lights and light a candle. That's all I have to say. In my mind they're a couple with star power.

Speaking of which, Brangelina -- or Brad and Angelina for those of you not in the celebrity know -- are looking to adopt another child. Apparently Angelina feels that--

NMN puts a finger to his earpiece.


NMN: Really? They adopted me? I didn't even know I was up for adoption.


NMN looks into camera.


NMN: Brad -- or should I say Dad? -- I plan to be the Black son that every white man in America dreams of having. And Angelina...wassup with the Oedipal, mami? You know Sanjay Gupta was on here last week and said that breastfeeding is good for brain development.


NMN winks at camera.


NMN: But what was I saying? Oh yeah, Katrina. See just because it hasn't been in the news constantly doesn't mean that it's not still an important story. I mean, that kind of death and destruction is certainly worthy of our national atten--


NMN puts his finger to his ear.


NMN: This just in...Some white girl is missing. Now, this is important, so pay attention. We want everybody across the nation to occupy themselves with looking for this little white girl. I mean if a missing white girl wasn't the most important shit in the world, why'd they name the AMBER Alert after a little white girl. Hello. Because if it was an ALIZE Alert everybody would switch over to American Idol. That's why. I mean, what's more important than a missing little white girl? Nothing. That's what. Not Iraq. Not Lebanon. Not Darfur. Not nothing.


Tears well in NMN's eyes.


NMN: Poor little white girl. It's so strange how no Black kids ever go missing. We're just lucky as a community I guess--


NMN listens to his earpiece.


NMN: They do. Then why don't we ever have days on end of around the clock--What the fuck do you mean who gives a fuck about them? Keep talkin' like I won't come back to the control room and stomp your ass. It's just that type of attitude that has allowed America to move on from the plight of children displaced by Katrina. Oh yeah, Katrina. I almost forgot. Dammit! Sorry. Time for sports.

This just in. We've received word from Dallas training camp that Terrell Owens is still an asshole. For more on T.O. and his assholic ways please go online to The Musings of A New Millennium Nigga and bask in the vitriolic rant that is "Big Head Niggas." (www.musingsnmn.blogspot.com/2006/04/big-head-niggas.html)

But before we run out of time I did want to speak to Mayor Nagin's recent comment defending the clean-up effort in New Orleans. The fount of mind-blowing quotes said, "That’s alright. You guys in New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed and it’s five years later. So let’s be fair." Shouldn't our politicians be political animals? How fucking stupid and insensitive would you have to be to say that in a "60 Minutes" interview? The man's not Marion Barry, but still... Am I the only Black person who cringes when he says the worst fucking thing at the worst possible fucking time. It's a time for rebuil--


NMN puts his finger to his earpiece.


NMN: News Flash. Having run out of names remotely related to his original moniker of Puffy, Sean "Diddy" Combs, has now changed his public name to Osvaldo. For those of you keeping score at home, that's Sean "Osvaldo" Combs. An odd choice to be sure, but-- Wait a minute. I just want to say this about Katrina --


NMN puts his finger to his earpiece...again. He's disgusted.


NMN: Fine. Many are saying that Conan O' Brien was insensitive to air a skit he had filmed days, if not weeks before the telecast of the Emmys, because there'd been a plane crash in Kentucky and the people whose lives were ripped apart by that crash might have rushed home to watch the muthafuckin' Emmys and been offended.


NMN listens then shakes his head.


NMN: And it's really, as always, about the kids. What?!?!?! The kids?!?!?! That's just fucking stupid. Get real, people. Kids don't watch the Emmys. And they certainly don't watch the news. So unless somebody's making plane crash jokes on Laguna-fucking-Beach I'm pretty sure the kids will be okay. So, log on and vote or whatever you do when you answer stupid ass questions to fill our air time. But back to Katrina.


NMN looks at the ceiling in frustration. He sighs.


NMN: (uninterested) Today it was reported that the President likes fart jokes. This is important for you to know because how else could you possibly determine that he's the man equipped to be the "Leader of the Free World." At least Clinton got his dick sucked. That's grown man shit. Doesn't it just make you sad to know that somewhere this sentence has been uttered, "Hey, Prime Minister, pull my finger." Fine, you want to do this story. I'll do this story.

Mr. President, here's a fart joke for you. What do the federal response to Katrina, a fart and Iraq all have in common?




Ya give up.




Ya really give up.




They all stink and they were all the work of an asshole. Get it.


NMN smiles at camera.


NMN: So, anyway, as I was saying--


NMN puts his finger to his ear.


NMN: OUT OF TIME?!?!?!?!


ANNOUNCER: The Nigga Network: Programming That Can't Possibly Be More Troubling Than What's On BET...or CNN...or MSNBC...or Fox...or

The sound fades out as the Announcer never runs out of names.

The Fall Line

A New Millennium Nigga is hardly a fashion expert, but I am here to tell you that, this fall, brown will be the new black...when it comes to political race-baiting that is.

The party that brought you Willie Horton now brings you "Macaca." You see, that's a term that is essentially used to equate people with monkeys. And that's what Virginia Senator, George Allen call an Indian-American man who worked for his opponent and had the audacity to videotape him. What he said exactly was this:


"This fellow here, over here with the yellow shirt, macaca, or whatever his name is. He's with my opponent. He's following us around everywhere. And it's just great…. Let's give a welcome to macaca, here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia." (LA Times)


Yes, Virginia, there is racism in America. And it's alive and well. It resides in the halls of the Senate. And judging by the lack of denunciation from his party, it is still fully acceptable amongst Republicans.

It is not, however, acceptable to me. So I say...first of all...FUCK SENATOR GEORGE ALLEN!

Not that he would care. He reportedly took his yearbook picture wearing a confederate flag in his lapel. He reportedly flew a confederate flag in his own home until recently. He reportedly displayed a noose in his Virginia office. And he now reportedly "welcomes" Indian-Americans to America and the "real world" of Virginia, with the term "macaca," a French variation on the idea of a "porch monkey." (And here I thought the Republicans were still mad at the French...Does this mean that we can call muthafuckin Freedom Fries muthafuckin' French Fries again?!?!?!?!) By all reports, George Allen is a racist bastard, who has done nothing but sully the name of a Hall of Fame coach. (With no evidence to the contrary, I will assume that in this one case the apple fell a considerable distance from the tree that was legendary NFL coach, George Allen, the Sentor's father.) I am pretty fucking sure that he could not give a shit what the fuck I -- a Black man, an American -- think.

Yes, Brown is the new Black. (Gay-bashing is soooooo 2004. Helllllloooooo.) In our post-9/11 world you can say and do anything you like to people with brown skin, apparently, without raising the ire of the American public. Where are all the "What about the children?" cries I heard after a glimpse of Janet Jackson's tit? You can wage "pre-emptive" wars and kill hundreds of thousands of brown people. You can mispronounce Saddam's name until it sounds like Sodom or a curse word. You can insult a fellow American and call him a monkey. Traditionally, the fifth anniversary gift in America is wood. But on the fifth anniversary of 9/11, with mid-term elections around the corner and national unity transformed into rampant xenophobia, America's going to be getting a heapin' helpin' of racism. And this country is going to gobble it up. I will go on record betting that Senator Allen gets re-elected. Welcome to America, people! Welcome to the real world of Virginia!

Senator Allen - or "my cracker", or whatever your name is -- you opposed the recognition of the King holiday. But now that the nation has chosen to respect a man who worked to destroy the blanket of racism and hatred that you wrap himself in, I hope that you will take advantage of the day off this coming year to do a little homework on America. You see, not all Americans look like you. As a matter of fact, your friend "macaca" from the rally is from Virginia you ignorant fucking bigot. His name is S.R. Sidarth. He is a senior at the University of Virginia. He is an American. And he is a man, not a monkey. So, fuck you.

I know that he is a man, because he displayed great restraint in not whuppin' yo' ass when you disrespected him and his people. But you should be careful. You use that kind of language around the wrong muthafuckas -- muthafuckas like me, for instance -- and you might regret having a noose so handy.

Lethal Weapon 5

LETHAL WEAPON 5: Hate…The Deadliest Weapon

based on a true bigot


EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - NIGHT
A Lexus careens past a sign that reads: SPEED LIMIT 45 MPH.


INT./EXT. LEXUS – NIGHT

The speedometer reads: 87 MPH.

Mel Gibson, acclaimed actor, director and raging alcoholic sings along spiritedly to Borat’s “Throw the Jew Down the Well.” He’s not laughing. He doesn’t realize it was a joke. Neither does he realize that he’s a fucking joke.

A POLICE SIREN WAILS.


EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – NIGHT

Two Officers approach Mel’s Lexus.


OFFICER 1
License and registration.


Mel hands his license and registration to Officer 1.


MEL
You may take my license and registration but you will never take my freedom!

OFFICER 1
Ohhhh-kay.


He looks over at Officer 2, who just shrugs.


OFFICER 2
Do you know why we stopped you?

MEL
Because I’ve got worse luck than a baby Jew dick facing a mole.

OFFICER 2
What?!

MEL
You know…a mole. Snip. Snip. Bye-bye, dick tip.

OFFICER 1
You mean a mohel?

MEL
Mole, mohel. To-may-to, to-mah-to. Halloween, holocaust.

OFFICER 2
Have you been drinking?

MEL
Are you a Jew?

OFFICER 2
What?

MEL
Huh?


Officer 1 reaches into the car and pulls the keys from the ignition.


OFFICER 1
Please step out of the car, sir.

MEL
You may take my car keys but you will never take my freedom!

CUT TO:


EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – NIGHT

A police tow truck pulls away with Mel’s Lexus.

As a handcuffed Mel is put in the backseat of the police cruiser—

MEL
You may take my car but –

OFFICER 1
Yeah. We know. Your freedom. You have the right to remain silent, Adolf. Use it.


Officer 1 pushes him into the car and slams the door behind him.


CUT TO:


INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Captain Murphy sits at his desk in his office.


CAPTAIN MURPHY
Now, after being arrested Gibson kept talking about losing something. But he was so shitfaced nobody could figure out what it was.


Across from him sits Det. Riggs (who could pass for Mel Gibson in a pinch).


RIGGS
I’ll work the case. But not with a Nigger.

NEW MILLENNIUM NIGGA
The name is Nigga.


A New Millennium Nigga sits next to Riggs.


NMN
Detective Nigga, muthafucka. But you should call me NMN. I don’t like how ‘nigger’ falls off your lips so easy.


Riggs stands and squares off.


RIGGS
That’s fine with me, Detective Nigger.


NMN stands nose to nose with Riggs.


NMN
You better not say it again or else.

CAPTAIN MURPHY
Nigga. Calm down. Riggs, don’t say it. Nigga’s crazy.

RIGGS
Or else what…Nigger.


CUT TO:


EXT. CEDAR SINAI EMERGENCY ROOM – NIGHT

Nigga and Riggs walk out of the emergency room. Riggs is limping.


RIGGS
Fine. I’m sorry I called you ‘Nigger.’

NMN
Okay. Then I’m sorry I shot you.

RIGGS
I’m also sorry that I was worked on by a Jew doctor at a place called Cedar Sinai.


NMN rolls his eyes and opens the car door.


NMN
Let’s get to work. Mel Gibson lost something and it’s our job to find it.


Riggs looks up at the Cedar Sinai sign as he gets in the passenger seat.


RIGGS
I’m too anti-semitic for this shit.


CUT TO:


INT. BAR – NIGHT

A Woman Bartender wipes down the bar as Nigga and Riggs question her.


BARTENDER
He was talking crazy. ‘The holocaust never happened…The Jews started all the wars in the world…’

RIGGS
First, you say he was talking crazy. Then you say he was saying that the holocaust never happened and that the Jews started all the wars in the world. Which one was it, Sugar Tits?

BARTENDER
Excuse me!

RIGGS
I mean, the entire world conspiring to make up the story that was arguably the historical centerpiece of the 20th century…Makes sense to me.

BARTENDER
Did you just call me ‘Sugar Tits?’

RIGGS
Yeah. Why? Are your tits not sweet?

NMN
Let me apologize for my partner. He’s a hateful bigot. That kind of shit comes out in all sorts of ways. Thanks for your help.

BARTENDER
You’re welcome.


She turns to Riggs.


BARTENDER
You’re an asshole.

RIGGS
And you’re an argument for taking back women’s right to vote.

NMN
Will you shut the fuck up?


NMN turns to the bartender.


NMN
Ignore him. By the way, what was Gibson drinking?

BARTENDER
Screaming Nazis.

NMN
Figures.


The Bartender turns and walks away.


RIGGS
Those are my favorite.

NMN
Figures.

RIGGS
Hey, NMN. Didn’t they say Gibson had a bottle of tequila with him when he got stopped?

NMN
Yeah.

RIGGS
Well, lookee there, Senor.


Riggs points to a Latino Man at the bar.


CUT TO:


EXT. BAR – NIGHT

Nigga and Riggs walk out of the bar.


NMN
You should be careful how you talk to people.

RIGGS
How was I supposed to know he was the owner?

NMN
Even if he wasn’t, I don’t think ‘Hey Paco, get over here before I call INS,’ is the way to start a conversation.

RIGGS
Look, I see a Mexican, I think tequila.

NMN
He was Dominican.

RIGGS
What’d I say?

NMN
You’re going to get brought up on charges.

RIGGS
Who cares? All I have to do is get some Jew lawyer to Jew down the charges to a slap on the wrist.

NMN
Don’t think I won’t shoot you again just ‘cause you ain’t insultin’ Black people, you ign’ant bastard.


A New Millennium Nigga opens the car door.


RIGGS
What? What did I say?


He climbs into the passenger seat.


RIGGS
I’m too anti-semitic for this shit.


EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Riggs follows A New Millennium Nigga through the lot.

RIGGS
I don’t know why we had to waste time getting the keys. I thought you people all had to learn how to steal cars before you dropped out of high school and got your baby mothers pregnant.

NMN
One. It’s ‘baby mama.’ Two. Shooting your racist ass is still on the table.


They step up to the trunk of Mel Gibson’s Lexus. A New Millennium Nigga pulls the keys from his pocket and opens it. He smiles down.


NMN
Just as I suspected.


CUT TO:


INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT

A New Millennnium Nigga, standing amidst a crowd of Detectives, drops a human brain on a table.

CAPTAIN MURPHY
A brain?

NMN
A mind.

RIGGS
You mean he lost his mind?

NMN
We should have known.

CAPTAIN MURPHY
Why? Because when asked his thoughts on gay people he reportedly said, ‘They take it up the ass,’ then gestured and explained eloquently, ‘This is only for taking a shit.’

RIGGS
Don’t be ridiculous. People get away with being crude and hateful when talking about gay people all the time.

NMN
Sad, but true.

CAPTAIN MURPHY
Oh, I know. It must be because he was able to connect getting stopped for speeding and arrested on a DUI to Jewish people at all, never mind in an anti-semitic way.

NMN
No. We should have known he had lost his mind because he works in Hollywood and he let a few drinks get him talking bad about Jewish people. That’s like Pat Reilly getting caught telling nigger jokes.


Everyone laughs.


RIGGS
You’re right. They’re a bunch of Shylocks. Those Jews are going to take a pound of Mel’s flesh.

NMN
That’s it.


A New Millennium Nigga pulls his gun and shoots Riggs, who falls to the floor bleeding profusely. Apparently, if you shoot a racist, anti-semitic, sexist, general bigot, he does indeed bleed. He gasps for his last breath.


RIGGS
I’m too anti-semitic for this shit.


Riggs dies.

Everyone cheers.


CAPTAIN MURPHY
If only hatred had died right along with him.

NMN
You’re right. Hatred is the deadliest weapon of all…besides this here gun that is.


They all laugh.

Credits roll.