Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Dear Tiger

Dear Tiger,

Like many kids in this country, when I was a boy I was always reminded not to waste food because “There are starving children in Africa who would love to have that good food.” And that brings me to you, your accident and your philanderin’ ways.

What were you thinking, man?! You made it. You didn’t just go out and get yourself a White woman. You went out and got a blonde White woman. You went out and got a beautiful, blonde White woman. I would think you could appreciate that. What else does a Black man want out of life?

I know. I know. You’re not Black. You’re Cablinasian: Caucasian, Black, Indian and Asian. But given your apparent affinity for women of the “Ca” persuasion – I ain’t seein’ no “Bl,” “In,” nor “Asian” in yo’ mix. – I think we can all agree that you’re definitely exhibiting characteristics of a Black man.

I mean, look, anybody can fall in love with anybody else, regardless of race. I respect that. No judgements.

But until a Cathy shows up (Somebody recently pointed out that a lot of Asian women are named Cathy. Thought about it. It’s true.), until a Vernita shows up (Vernita could potentially cover Black AND Indian as we know that if there’s anything Black women enjoy as much as Black men enjoy White women, it’s claimin’ they got some Indian in ‘em.), until somebody with some melanin – or, at the very least, a history of oppression - shows up in this story, I’m gonna run with the “Tiger likee da White girls” angle.

That’s okay (with me, at least), Tiger. If Jerry Springer has taught us nothing else, it is that Black men LOVE themselves some White women. And brothers ain’t all pullin’ Elin-level White women. Brothers are out here makin’ do with fat White women. Brothers are out here makin’ do with ugly White women. Brothers are latchin’ on to any kind of White woman they can get.

I think we all remember the disgrace that was Flava Flav chasing Brigitte Nielsen around on VH1. He let a White woman slap his face on the off chance that he might get to fuck her. And we ain’t talkin’ about Elin. We are talkin’ about Brigitte Nielsen. Man, I wouldn’t fuck Brigitte Nielsen with Brigitte Nielsen’s dick!

Don’t you see, Tiger?! This is what brothers are going through out here to get themselves a White woman, any White woman.

Tiger... Don’t you know there are starvin’ niggas out here who would love to have that good White woman?!

How dare you take that White woman for granted. Seriously. You just want to hog up all the White women: your wife, the one who’s covering for you, the one who sold you out on the sexting. (Aside: I was glad you went with “I will wear you out…” No sense adding the humiliation of some Prince Charles-style “I want to be your tampon”-type shit. But I digress.)

Don’t you know there are starvin’ niggas out here who would love to have that good White woman?!

I don’t think Elin and that 9-iron caused you to crash. I believe that the ghost of Emmitt Till stepped in and said, “Muthafucka, I died so you could have that good White woman!” SLAM! BAM! (Tree then hydrant…? Lynchings then hosings…? Can’t slip that shit past me.)

Don’t you know there are starvin’ niggas out here who would love to have that good White woman?!

That stupid fine they gave you was bullshit. Points on your license? A fucking joke. If I had my way, I would throw you in a cell with OJ and let you unappreciative bastards think about what you’ve done! Y’all get your hands on perfectly good White women and don’t know how to act.

So, as you dial the number for Kobe’s jeweler, I want you to remember the brothers out here who don’t have it nearly as good as you do. Before you take Elin for granted again, remember the brothers who ignore loose screws and plastic shoes. Before you show off what you can do with your driver, remember the brothers who endure overbites and cellulite. Before you whip out another wood, Mr. Woods, remember Brigitte Nielsen's dick!

Tiger, before you drain your ball in another hole, remember there are starving brothers in America who would love to have that good White woman.

XOXO,
NMN

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