Keep It Clean

Next up...the junior Senator from the great state of Illinois...Barack Obama. I hesitated to nominate Mr. Obama as his hands must surely be full with his Presidential campaign. However, I rather like him and thought he should get to actually win an election. I suspect that won't be the case in '08. (Though, like Charlie Brown doing his best Vinatieri, I cling to a sliver of hope.)

You can imagine my surprise when some Black people I talked to protested this nomination, asserting that Sen. Obama "ain't really African-American" because his mother is White and his father is African (Kenyan, to be exact). I hate when niggas start that shit, that "these niggas are better than those niggas" shit.

I hate to hear immigrant niggas insulting American niggas for being everything from lazy to loud when they should show some goddamn respect for the descendants of those who caught hell to make America a place where they could at least have a snowball's chance at the American Dream. It makes me sick to hear the descendants of slaves always looking to insult the latest group of immigrants, whether they be Haitian or Jamaican or just good ol' "African booty-scratchers"...Crip niggas versus Blood niggas...Hennessy niggas versus Courvosier niggas...Shaq niggas versus Kobe niggas...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH NIGGAS?!

How many different ways can we divide ourselves up. Who's more Black? Who's less Black? Want to know if Senator Obama is Black? Ask yourself this. If he found himself face to face with the NYPD one night, would they hold their fire as he reached for his wallet in front of his own goddamn house just because his mother was White and his father African? I say, "Nay!" He's Black...good ol' fashioned-Rodney King-72nd Precinct plunger up the ass-that nigga fits the description-Black! Case closed, you fucking crabs in a barrel.

But my main reason for wanting Senator Obama to be the first Head Nigga In Charge is because he's clean. I hadn't really thought about that shit before Joe Biden brought it up. But I must admit, that nigga is clean. I've never seen him lookin' raggedy and dirty going up Capitol Hill. His teeth look white...at least on TV. And I've never heard rumors that he stinks so bad that he will burn your nose hairs. Never once have I heard that his breath stunk so bad that he would leave your tear ducts barren. That is one clean nigga. (Note: Few know this, but Senator Biden reminds me of the scientific fact that Black people are just White people who have failed to wash themselves for thousands of years. Throw in some Jheri Curl juice and some of that fried chicken grease that used to sit on the stove and we're lucky to have found a clean nigga in the bunch.)

I was talking to a Mexican guy I know -- who, for the record, I have never seen pissy drunk on tequila -- and he was saying that Obama seemed not only clean, but articulate. I was happy to hear that, as was my Chinese neighbor, who I have never seen eating rice -- or anything else for that matter -- with chopsticks. But I knew that Obama had a chance to be the new "Uniter, Not A Divider" when my gay friend -- who, to his credit, has never tried to turn me out or molest my kids -- told my wife -- who disguises her PMS remarkably well -- that he thought Obama would make a great Head Nigga In Charge.

It was tough to understand him through his effeminate lisp, but that was all I needed to hear. It's official. I nominate Senator Barack Obama for the esteemed position of Head Nigga In Charge. He's clean. And he speaks so well.