Monday, February 06, 2006

Good morning!

First things first. In Friday's installment, "Fuck Al Sharpton!", I
mistakenly credited Comedy Central with airing "The Boondocks". In
fact, the cartoon airs on The Cartoon Network. Though the error was
regrettable, it gives me an opportunity to unveil a new feature of this article: The
Recant and Re-Rant. (See, I wouldn't want my error to detract from the
initial vitriol of the views expressed.) Here it goes:

And don't you have some better shit to do than to be speaking out on
some animated series on The Cartoon Network? I mean...after all...it's a
fucking cartoon. Get it? No? Well, here are some other issues raised by
cartoons that you shouldn't worry your pretty little conked head about:

1. If Jesse Jackson drops an anvil on your head, you will not spend the
rest of your life looking like an accordion. (You will, however, die.)

2. Dogs can't talk.

3. Cats neither.

4. Mice? Nope.

5. Nobody is going to sell a gorilla to a little White girl no matter
how cute she is as she sings the opening to the "Magilla Gorilla Show."
(If you like to talk about White girls and gorillas, you'll really enjoy "Fuck
Peter Jackson! And Fuck EVERY Version of King Kong.")


Moving on...


MUSINGS OF A NEW MILLENIUM NIGGA

February 6, 2006


So I fully expected to go home on Friday, settle in in front of the ol'
TiVo and be spoon-fed today's "Musings": Fuck Dave Chappelle! I was
somewhat angry with Dave for leaving me with comedic blue balls as he pulled the
plug on Season Three and I figured that it would be funny to go after a guy
whose comedy I respect so much. But it didn't take long to see that Dave has
folded like a wet noodle under all the pressure and it's no fun to kick
a man when he's down. Well, it's fun. It's just not right.

Anyway, I sat there watching and I was struck by a new topic: FUCK
OPRAH!

OKAY...OKAY...OPRAH, I DIDN'T MEAN IT. I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
FUNNY TO SAY, "FUCK OPRAH!" 'CUZ...WELL...NOBODY EVER SAYS, "FUCK OPRAH!" I
MEAN, NOONE WOULD DARE. PLEASE DON'T DESTROY ME. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T
BRING ME ON YOUR SHOW AND TREAT ME LIKE YOU DID JAMES FREY.

Ohhhhh Laaawwwd. Did y'all see what Oprah did to James Frey? Oh my
God! It was terrific. It was horrific. It was astounding. It was awful.
It was...beautiful. And I don't think America fully appreciated what
happened that fateful afternoon.

A Black woman got on national TV and tongue lashed a White man. In my
lifetime, I have seen one man threaten to shoot another man over a
fifty cent pack of cookies. But I have never seen a Black woman get on
national TV and read a White man the riot act. That's some seriously "bizarro
world" shit. She broke his ass down like an organic compound until the only
thing that was in a million little pieces was his ego. Within an hour, with
commercials, she had him "joking" about finding a gun backstage and
killing himself. Wow.

At one point--as she was blasting him so bad--I thought she was going
to send him outside the studio to pick his switch. That was all there was
left. Damn.

Someday, I'll tell my children that I saw it. I'll tell the tale in
the special tone of voice reserved for the telling of Jackie Robinson's
story. "It happened," I'll say as they look up at me with wonder. "I seent it
with my own two eyes. Her name was Oprah Winfrey. And she stood ten feet
tall."

Am I alone in thinking that this shit was amazing? I sat there and
thought, "I didn't know Black people could talk to White people like this."
Then it struck me. We can't. Even in 2006...we can't. If the average nigga
talks to a White person like that they will find their ass fired...or hit
over the head with a billy club...or, if they happen to be in the precinct where
I grew up, with an NYPD plunger up their ass.

Shhhiiiiiitttt...If you're Jesse Jackson and let your tongue get too
slick on some "America, stay out of the Bushes!" shit, you end up with your
baby mama drama on page one. (Or was I the only one who didn't think that
was a coincidence?)

But not Oprah. Oprah is so powerful that an audience applauded as she
made a White man her bitch on ABC, the AMERICAN Broadcasting Company. A
Black Woman pulling that off is the socio-political equivalent of that kid
Corky, from "Life Goes On" dunking on Shaquille O'Neal. And dammit...I want
you people to recognize it. Now, say it wit' me:

OPRAH, WHEN I SEENT YOU ON DA TV WHUPPIN' UP ON DAT WHITE MAN...I
KNOWED DEY IS A GOD!

[Note: Oprah, I'm sorry about the whole "Fuck Oprah!" thing. I just
did it for effect. And I'm sorry. Does this mean I don't get a car?]

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Orlando!

Two things: add Marcela to your list: marcelacuadrado@hotmail.com and you must start a BLOG!

Well, if you do, your musings will be all over the world and not relegated to a few choice friends. I think you've shared with us yet another talent that should be shared with the world. Think about it. The world deserves to laugh too! Especially people in the Middle East who have had their lives fucked because Americans think we're the only people on the planet who should use ALL the resources and not have to pay.

Yeah ... $3 for gas is a bitch. But try getting to work in a rickshaw (or better, pulling one as your job) and you'll start to appreciate what you have. Or, here's a thought ... since Americans are the fattest fuckers on the planet why don't we dust off our bikes and ride them to work or just down the street. If we really want to end world hunger, we could just round up hundred people from Houston, cook them up in a stew (soylent green anyone), send them to any country with starving people and feed the masses! America would be responsible for: ending world hunger and getting rid of obesity in our cities. I mean, would you really eat an entire cake if you thought you'd find yourself in a big pot in India?! Curry anyone?

Just a few random thoughts from the Jolly Misanthrope. BTW, I think you can join that club. You obviously have some hatred for your fellow man and there's nothing wrong with that. We need to band together and hate these fuckers! Maybe then they'll stop reproducing and just die!

Oh, and another thing about cartoons ... just because it's a cartoon doesn't mean it's for kids. Just because rubbing alcohol has alcohol in it doesn't mean I can mix up a martini with it. Come on people!

If cartoons were real: Lisa and Bart would not still be in elementary school, Homer would be dead (he's massively overweight and would have been sent to a starving country) or in jail, the Family Guy would have stayed cancelled, King of the Hill wouldn't have been cancelled, Maggie wouldn't still be in diapers and grandpa would definitely be dead!

Toni

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mmm. I almost unsubscribed this morning cuz you can't "fuck Oprah." I was nervous, but then i kept reading. It's all good.

Never thought about the correlation b/w "Stay out of the Bushes" and Jesse's baby momma drama. Not that I care much. Can't stand the man anyway. (I'm sure my mother just got a crick in her neck b/c saying anything against Jesse is just blaspheemin).

i'm not sayin. i'm just sayin.

nik

8:46 PM  

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