Why I Won't Write This Musing

Recently, A New Millennium Nigga found himself discussing potential "Musing" topics with a friend. "Don't do Michael Jackson," she opined. "It's too easy." I thought about it and she was right. The jokes are all out there. And in the end, Michael's a living joke. So, what's the point.

I mean, I could have started out with some standard jokes like:

Q: How do you know it's bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
A: When the big hand's on the little hand.

But could there possibly be more to say. Maybe if...Here's the thing... It would feel good to say, "First of all...Fuck Michael Jackson!"

I mean, as far as I'm concerned, it seems pretty clear that he's a sexual predator...alright, alleged sexual predator. And with his fascination with Peter Pan, it seems odd that so many of the boys who have spent the night with him refer to him as "Captain Hooks To The Left" but I have better shit to do than sit around cursing Michael Jackson.

Now, those goddamn parents...They need a good cursin' out. What kind of bullshit pimp-fuckin'-ology is this? "So...you want me to stay in the guest house, being waited upon hand and foot and you'll spend the night in here, in your bedroom, having a sleepover with my pubescent son? Well, I don't see what could possibly be wrong with that. Sounds great." I think each and every one of those maternal madames and paternal pimps should be tossed in prison where their new cellmates can help them re-enact what probably happened to their kid. "Hey, J-Bo, is it alright if we don't play 'Sing Into My Mic' tonight?"

But, nah...I'm not going to do it. I could unveil some new jokes I'd written like.

A pop star, a lunatic and a child molester walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey everybody, it's Michael Jackson."

But where's the fun in that? I mean, as we've all heard a million times he never had a childhood. Of course, by extension of that logic, you'd have to empty out most of America's prisons, but hey...

It might have been fun, though...


NEW MILLENIUM NIGGA NEWS HOUR (transcript provided by Reuters)
(credit given to Paul Mooney who introduced the idea of "The Nigga News" years ago)

[A Just For Me commercial comes to a sing-songy end.]

NEW MILLENNIUM NIGGA: And we're back. We head back to my exclusive interview with Michael Jackson. He never had a childhood, ya know?

CUT TO:

MJ: I never really had a childhood.

NMN: And that's why you recorded "Have You Seen My Childhood?"

MJ: Yes.

NMN: Well, I ain't seen your muthafuckin' childhood, but I'm pretty fuckin' sure you ain't gonna find it up some twelve year old's ass.

MJ: That's just ignorant.

NMN: What? You think you will find it in some twelve year old's ass?

MJ: You're making it sexual. Just because a grown man sleeps in the bed with boys and those boys keep saying--

NMN: Michael, do you really think it's a good idea for a nigga to be havin' sleepovers with little niggas even after said nigga has been accused of playin 'Back Door Pokey Karaoke' with other little niggas?

MJ: That's just ignorant.

NMN: What? 'Back Door Pokey Karaoke'?

Silence.

MJ: My shoulder hurts.

NMN: What?!

MJ: I'm in pain.

NMN: Whatever nigga. Let's talk about your music.

MJ: Good.

NMN: Is it true that 'Beat It' is about a slumber party?

MJ: No. That's just ignorant.

NMN: You wrote 'Pretty Young Thing.' Great song.

MJ: Thank you.

NMN: Just how pretty and just how young do you like them?

MJ: That's just ignorant.

NMN: I've heard that Webster's momma caught you trying to check into a hotel with him, claiming you was his pops. Any comment?

Silence.

NMN: Is it true that was when you wrote 'Heartbreak Hotel?'

MJ: That's just ignorant. I'm leaving.

Michael removes his mic and storms off the set.

NMN: One more question. Any truth to the rumor that you are the spokesman for NAMBLA's 'Leave No Child's Behind Behind' Program.

Michael exits the studio. NMN chases after him.

NMN: Is it true that you will be collaborating with R. Kelly on a song entitled 'Jesus Loves The Little Children...And So Do We'?


NMN bends down and grabs something in the parking lot.

NMN: Wait! You dropped your nose.

Michael's caravan disappears into the distance.


Back in the studio, A NEW MILLENNIUM NIGGA turns to camera.


NMN: I would ask if Michael's excuses smell fishy, but with the whole nose thing, my lawyers thought that could be viewed as an indirect barb. So, I'll leave it at this. Michael, you will eventually pay for what you have done.

NMN puts a finger to his earpiece.

NMN: ...for what you have allegedly done. Who the fuck do you think you are? The Catholic church?

NMN puts a finger to his earpiece.

NMN: What do you mean I'm off the air?


VOICE-OVER: New Millennium Nigga News Hour is brought to you by Jesus Juice. If it's in a can, it must be alright to drink it, little boy.



Yeah, I could'a done that. But I'm glad I didn't. That would be ignorant.