Monday, March 13, 2006

It's Elmo's World?!?

NEW MILLENIUM NIGGA NEWS HOUR (transcript provided by Reuters)
(credit given to Paul Mooney who introduced the idea of "The Nigga News" years ago)

[A Tickle Me Elmo commercial comes to its gut-busting end.]

A NEW MILLENNIUM NIGGA turns to camera.

NMN: "He's yellow." There are contexts in which "dem's could be fightin' words." But when you're talking about Big Bird, it is simply a fact. He's tall. He's yellow. And if you've been a child, had a child or even known a child on Earth anytime in the last 40 years, he's the man...or more accurately, as I would learn, the bird. A New Millennium Nigga News Hour brings you this special presentation: "Flippin' the Bird".

NMN walks down Sesame Street alongside Big Bird.

NMN: First of all...Fuck Elmo!

BB: Here on Sesame Street we don't fuck our friends.

NMN: Not even if they're fuck buddies.

BB: What's a fuck buddy?

NMN: Friends who fuck.

BB: We visited a farm last week and we learned about chicks being hatched. I guess you could say they're our cluck buddies.

NMN winks.

NMN: I get be messin' wit dem chickenheads.

BB: No they had chicken bodies too.

NMN: Huh?

BB: What?

NMN: Chickenheads. Like chicks who...never mind. Stop getting me off point.

BB: What is your point?

NMN: My point is that it's Elmo's World.

BB: (singing) La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la/Elmo's World.

NMN: No.

BB: You don't know the song.

NMN: How could I not know the song? Of course I know the song. I have two kids. I hear that fucking song in my fucking sleep.

BB: It is catchy.

NMN: That's not the point.

BB: What is your point?

NMN: My point is it used to be YOUR world, Big Bird. What happened to you? You used to be beautiful, man.

BB: Well, it's everybody's world. We need to share--

NMN: No, no, no. Don't tell me you've started to believe all this "share, share, that's fair" shit you've been shovelling these kids, dawg.

BB: I'm a bird.

NMN: What?

BB: You must be confused. You called me a dog. I'm a bird.

NMN: Are you getting fuckin' smart with me?

BB: Here on Sesame Street we try to get smarter and smarter every day.

NMN: Well, if you're so muthafuckin' smart, how come you let that nigga, Elmo, snatch your show right out from under you.

BB: Sesame Street?

NMN: Yes, nigga, Sesame Street! For a muthafucka who be teachin' kids shit, you are one slow cat.

BB: I'm a bird.

NMN: What?

BB: Huh?

NMN: Look, man, I'm from Flatbush. And if there's one thing I know it's that you can't be lettin' muthafuckas run up on your block punkin' you. You come off lookin' like a bitch.

BB: Did you watch Sesame Street as a child?

NMN: Of course, man.

BB: Then why don't you know your animals? I already told you...I'm not a dog.

NMN: Are you gettin' fuckin' smart with me?

BB: You said I look like a bitch. But I don't look anything like a dog.

NMN: No, not a bitch like...Never mind. That's not the point.

BB: What is your point?

OSCAR THE GROUCH pops up out of his garbage can.

OSCAR:'s you. New millennium, same ol' asshole.

NMN: Fuck you, nigga. That's why you live in a garbage can.

OSCAR: Your mother.

NMN dives at the garbage can. Oscar shuts the lid just in time to catch NMN's hand. He pulls away shaking his hand.

NMN: Damn. That shit happens every time.

Big Bird looks on confused. NMN turns to him.

NMN: Look, this right here. This is your shit. Where does Elmo live? In Elmo's World? You live ON Sesame Street. YOU FROM THE STREETS, NIGGA!

BB: You're right. I mean, I never thought of it that way, but Elmo doesn't know what's going on out here on Sesame Street.

NMN: That's what I'm sayin'. But then why aren't these kids askin' for Tickle Me Big Bird dolls? Tickle Me Elmo?! You know what I'm'a buy Elmo for Christmas? A Blow Me New Millennium Nigga Doll.

BB: You have your own doll.

NMN: Yeah, it's cummin' in December.

NMN laughs at his own joke. Big Bird doesn't get it.

BB: I don't get it.

NMN: See, it's a Blow Me...Never mind. That's not the point.

BB: What is your point?

NMN: My point is that you are reppin' the real Sesame Street and that nigga Elmo is stealin' your shine.

Big Bird sits on the curb. NMN sits down next to him. Big Bird hangs his head.

BB: You're right. But what do I do about it?

NMN shakes him.

NMN: You can act like a man.

BB: I already told you. I'm a --

NMN: You're a bird. I know. I know. But here's the question. Are you gonna soar like an eagle? Or are you gonna let Elmo treat you like a duck?

BB: Technically, I'm not an eagle or a--

NMN slaps Big Bird's beak.

NMN: Focus! You go reclaim your show. Reclaim Sesame Street!

BB: You're right. I'm gonna reclaim Sesame Street!

Big Bird stands and storms away. NMN pounds his fist to his chest.

NMN: Sesame Street for life, nigga!

OSCAR pops out of his can.

OSCAR: Move it along, nigga. You're drivin' down the property values.

NMN: Shut up, man. That's why you stink.

OSCAR: I live in a garbage can. What's your excuse?

NMN dives at the garbage can. Oscar shuts the lid just in time to catch NMN's hand. He pulls away shaking his hand.

NMN: Damn. That shit happens every time.

Back in the studio, A NEW MILLENNIUM NIGGA turns to camera.

NMN: As I'm sure you know by now, Elmo was shot just hours after this interview. Both B.I.G. Bird and Snuffy are wanted for questioning. We here at the New Millennium Nigga News Hour certainly hope that there won't be anymore violence. Good night and good luck, niggas.

NMN puts his finger to his earpiece.

NMN: What the cops wanna talk to me for?!

VOICE-OVER: New Millennium Nigga News Hour is brought to you by Brace Yo'Self Elmo. Kevlar vest and life-like "nine milly" sold separately. They shot him five times. Really puppets don't die. Ya heard?!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear NMN,

I have been watching Sesame Street all my life and it saddens me to see your newscast being apart of the firestorm that encourages beef between two media darlings. Big Bird and Elmo have coexisted peacefully for sometime now and you are blatantly trying to ignite conflict. There is no reason for it. What has Big Bird or Elmo ever done to you personally? It’s a sad, sad day.

Yours Truly,

Jazz Laura, 9 months

PS (Bigups to Mommy for spell checking my letter)

10:55 AM  
Blogger New Millennium Nigga said...

Dear Jazz,

You are clearly a genius. To have that kind of command of the English language at the tender age of 9 months is remarkable. Can't wait to see your kindergarten science project when your dad "helps" you rebuild a transmission. Thanks for writing in and please enjoy the New Millennium Nigga Diaper Wipes I'm sending you.

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

B.I.G. Bird and Snuffy!!!! Damn, next trash day I'm gonna scavenge for scrap metal to smelt down and fashion into an award for that one.

9:05 AM  

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