Sunday, March 26, 2006

So, You Want To Start A Revolution?

A GAGGLE OF REPORTERS gathers outside of New Millennium Nigga Headquarters (aka his house, aka the crib).

NMN emerges. Cameras click over the buzz of the gathered crowd.


NMN: Thank you all for coming. I asked you all here to say...

First of all...Fuck John McCain! I used to think he stood for something but if he could get in bed with the likes of this piece of shit administration...Let's just say that somebody's senior thesis at Arizona State should be, "When Good Men Sell Their Fucking Souls: The John McCain Story (with foreword by Colin 'Please Don't Make Me Go To the UN and Say That Bullshit' Powell)."

And while I'm at it, I'd also like to say...Fuck Hillary Clinton! Where ya at, Hillary? You can't be more Republican than the Republicans so you might as well start sayin' some shit that makes some goddamn sense about this war and stop bullshittin'. Yeah, we know you voted for the war. Ya fucked up. But ask Slick Willie, the worst thing to do after you fuck up is run from it. Face the music. It'll be better that way. But you won't. And even if you did, you won't win. Word is a lot of people really hate your ass...and not just on the right. Hey, don't get mad at me. I don't make the news. I just report it.

See, I hadn't expected to have to make this decision this soon. But it seems that Presidential campaigns, much like the Christmas shopping season -- excuse me, 'holiday' shopping season -- are starting earlier and earlier these days. I mean, we're not even to the mid-term elections and John McCain is all set to cash in on his deal with the devil. Not only that, but Hillary Clinton is out talkin' shit about video games or some such matter of national, nay international, nay interga-fuckin'-lactic importance. God, I hope the Democrats run her. That ought to be pretty fucking entertaining. But I digress.

Today, I, A New Millennium Nigga, am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States.



REPORTER #1: Given the social climate of this nation and the force with which the FCC has struck in recent history, do you think there is much hope for a candidate who hurls the F-word about and who is known as A New Millennium N-Word?

NMN: First of all...fuck you, man. I'm a grown-ass man and I can use any words I goddamn well please. Now, I'm A New Millennium Nigga. N-word is some shit white people started saying during the OJ trial so that they could pretend on TV that the word "nigger" was absolutely foreign to them. Second. I plan to make "Fuck" the national word. And Michael Powell can go fuck himself if he don't like it. We have a national bird...now flip it. Fuck's already been used on the Senate floor and frankly if it ain't made fuckin' acceptable this muthafuckin Presidency shit probably ain't gonna work out for a muthafucka. Besides, there are a lot of people in this country who will want to call the first Black President a nigger. This way, I can pretend they callin' my name and continue on my merry muthafuckin' way.

REPORTER #2: Tell us about your agenda. Where do you stand on social issues? on the wedge issues?

NMN: I'm glad you asked. First, I will nominate Star Jones to be a Supreme Court Justice.


Star Jones steps forward and waves to the crowd.


NMN: You may remember, she is a lawyer. How could you forget? She sure ain't shy about reminding a muthafucka. But more importantly, she is clearly in favor of gay marriage. Though it is true that the idea is to have gay people marry each other, Star's heart was in the right place...somewhere in the vicinity of her shifting breasts.


Star smiles sheepishly.


NMN: Also, Pro-lifers will be forced by law to adopt babies. And if you think it's scary to take in some unknown teen's baby, li'l Miss Southern Baptist, wait 'til you get a load of the baby daddy. Muthafuckas on the street don't call him N-Sane for nothin'.

REPORTER #3: Some might suggest that you will be overly-focused on Black issues. Are you in favor of reparations?

NMN: White America could never repay the debt they owe. So, to me, the whole reparations thing is bullshit. But, I also think it's bullshit when some white parent bellyaches that their kid who had the best schools and a fuckin' SAT tutor "lost their spot" to some mythical unqualifed Black kid. Damn, with all the shit that has gone down, you would at least think that folks could adopt a "tie goes to the runner" mentality.

But don't worry, America, I got plenty of beef with Black folks too. Like the baby daddy's out there. Fuck 'em. They probably don't vote anyway. Black deadbeat dads who go around collecting baby mamas and not paying child support will be forced by the courts to be locked in a room with Black men who take care of their kids. The rooms will have no windows. The door will remain locked for 10 minutes per neglected child. Believe you me, the checks will start flowing in immediately. Let's face it, something has to be done about these serial baby-makers. Eventually their kids are going to start inadvertently procreating. And the only thing more embarrassing than realizing that the armed robber who's leading the eleven o' clock news is Black is realizing that the nigga has three arms.

REPORTER #4: What about flag burning?

NMN: If it's the Confederate flag, I'm all for it. Under my administration there will be no more Confederate flags. Look, I'm Black and I hate the sight of the Confederate flag. The truth is that for me it represents a bunch of slave owners and the poor white people they duped who wanted nothing more than to keep niggers in bondage. But that is not why we should be rid of the flag. Here's why we should get rid of it. They lost. THEY FUCKIN' LOST! Since when do the losers in a revolt get to keep their flag?! They're lucky they got to keep their heads. It don't end so nice in all revolts. Picture this...It's the end of the Super Bowl and the losing team grabs the boxes of T-Shirts behind their bench and start walking around with shirts that say that they are Super Bowl champions. It doesn't work. We would never do that. We ship those T-shirts off to third world nations like Bangladesh so that the children have something to wear as they make the clothes Americans buy cheaply at Wal-Mart.

REPORTER #5: How about The War on Drugs?

NMN: In my administration the new head of the Department of Agriculture will be Snoop. 'Nuff said.

Snoop's hand emerges from a cloud of smoke next to Star Jones.

JEFF GANNON: So, you have smoked weed?

NMN: First of all, I don't know who invited you Mr. Bulldog, The Gay Prostitute. But you talk slick to me and I will muthafuckin' Valerie Plame your little Brokeback boyfriend who got you into the White House all those times.

REPORTER #6: Have you ever smoked marijuana?

NMN: Look, I'm not going to play the gotcha game. Y'all let Dubya get away with that bullshit, so why not me? I mean word on the street is that Laura sold weed -- no joke -- so maybe you should ask her if she remembers me. Here's the thing, whether you smoke or not, I can't see any good reason why weed is illegal. How many college rape stories include alcohol? Now, the truth is that when muthafuckas get high all they're lookin' to ravage is the fridge.


Star Jones snickers.


NMN: Snoop, did you smoke Star out? I told you not to smoke her out.

SNOOP: I can not tell a lizzle, my nizzle.

NMN: She can't get the munchies. She had that gastric bypass shit.

STAR: I did not.


Everyone looks at her increduously.


STAR: I'm not gonna play the gotcha game either.

REPORTER #7: Mr. Nigga.

NMN: Don't get fucked up today.

REPORTER #7: But that's your name.

NMN: I'm just sayin...watch your tone.

REPORTER #7: What about the budget?

NMN: You know how the financial gurus explain that when you buy a $50 sweater with a credit card it can end up being a $500 sweater because of the interest. Well, Dubya, with his tax cuts ... and his war ... and his welfare handouts to Halliburton, et al, has bought this country a $3.4 Trillion sweater (estimated, through 2015). That's a lot of cash-mere, niggas. Break out your abacuses -- abaci? -- and do the math on that shit. I wrote and asked Dubya to explain his fiscal fuckin' irresponsibilty, but he didn't get the memo...again.

Here's my policy. If you make a lot of muthafuckin' money, you gon' pay a lot of muthafuckin' taxes. And we are adopting a "don't start none, won't be none" foreign policy. This pre-emptive shit is expensive...and stupid. Even a li'l nigga from Flatbush could have told these muthafuckas that you do not pick a fight with muthafuckas who ain't got nothin to lose. You know why? 'CAUSE THEY AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' TO LOSE!!!

REPORTER #8: So you would pull out of Iraq and let the country fall into Civil War?

NMN: As opposed to...

REPORTER #8: As opposed to staying the course.

NMN: Look, the Civil War is already on and poppin'. The people of that region are pissed and they are only gettin' more pissed every day. A friend of mine told me that he was taught when guests arrive to scope out how much underwear they've packed. That, he was told, is a clear indication of how long muthafuckas are intending to stick around. Well, when we start building bases and puttin' up golden arches and shit, the Iraqis see that as a whole shitload of underwear. And they want us the fuck out. I like to call this The War of the Roses, seein' as how we were supposed to be greeted with fuckin' flowers and all. Well, the only fuckin' flowers we'll be seeing will be on the graves of the estimated 33,000-38,000 (possibly as high as 100,000) dead Iraqis and over 2,300 US troops. All that and Osama is probably playing backgammon with Michael Jackson as we speak.

STAR: I'm hungry.

Star runs into the house. NMN shoots Snoop's cloud of smoke an angry look.

NMN: That's all for now. Thank you all for coming. Vote for A New Millennium Nigga in '08.

NMN flashes the victory/peace sign and walks inside with Snoop.

NMN: I told you not to let her hit that chronic. She liable to get at those Fritos and pop a staple.

They disappear into the house.

From inside the house, Star screams.

NMN: Is that Chunky Monkey?! Call 9-1-1!



Artwork courtesy of The Minister of Propaganda

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll vote for u!

Court

9:40 AM  
Blogger JGo3000 said...

I just let my boss know that I quit my job so that I can run your campaign in Pennsylvania and the rest of the "swing" states...

I mean, I'll get to meet Snoop, right?

6:30 AM  
Blogger New Millennium Nigga said...

Thanks for the support JGo. That makes three votes for the revolution (including mine). I got awfully excited about moving to one of the "swing" states until Mrs. NMN explained that it was a political term and not a description of the lifestyle. Oh, well...

1:07 PM  

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