Monday, June 05, 2006

An Inconvenient Spring Break

An Afro-Euro-Asian girl screams into camera with a smile on her alcohol-slackened face.

AFRO-EURO-ASIAN GIRL: Hi! This is Afro-Euro-Asian Girl from California. And everybody I know is dead. So I’ll send my shout-out to the other 15 people on Ear—

Her friend whispers in her ear.


Her friend whispers to her again.

AFRO-EURO-ASIAN GIRL: make that 14 people left on Earth, WHHHEEEEEEEW!

The crowd around her joins her ear-drum piercing scream. NMN steps in front of the camera.

NMN: This is A New Millennium Nigga. And welcome to MTV's "Spring Break: North Pole."

Fifteen people, half of the Earth's remaining population, cheer.

NMN: For those of you who haven't yet drowned or died of dehydration, thanks for tuning in. This is the first time MTV has done spring break at the North Pole. And given the rate at which people are dying, I think it's safe to say it will also be the last.

Everyone boos.

NMN: But enough of that. Let's party.

Back to cheering.

NMN: But not too hard. You may never shake that hangover. Remember, we're almost out of drinkable water.

More boos.

NMN: Here to perform the hottest song to hit the charts in 2056, an updated version of a hip-hop classic, we've got Nelly III doing "It's Getting Hot Out Here."

Cheers. A production assistant trots over to NMN and whispers something in his ear.

NMN: Wow. Really? Sorry to hear that. Folks, Nelly III is dead.

A Frat Boy raises a red plastic party cup.


Everybody takes their red party cups to the head.

NMN: Apparently, he was on the wrong glacier at the wrong time. Now, he swims with the mercury-laden fishes. Rest in peace, Nelly III. We'll be seeing you soon, I'm sure.


NMN: But enough about that. Let's party!


NMN: Performing their smash hit "(I Want My) SUV", the punk sensation Carbon Die Oxide.

PA: Nope. Dead.


Everybody takes their red party cups to the head.

NMN: What happened?

PA: Typhoon.

NMN: I thought they were from Indiana.

PA: They were.

NMN: Can we get the guys who sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat (Right Up Ol' Broadway)."

PA: Dead. Dead.


Everybody takes their red party cups to the head.

PA: The short dark-haired guy ate the tall blonde-haired guy when they got trapped on an island.

NMN: What island?

PA: Germany.

NMN: So, let's get the short guy.

PA: No can do. Died of shock. Turns out he's allergic to human.

NMN: No bullshit?

PA: I swear. It would take a twisted mind to make that shit up.

NMN: Fine. Let's do the contest. Alright, listen up people. The person who answers this right will get a glass of water.

The Spring Breakers "ooh" and "aah" as they fight for position around NMN.

NMN: Name the 2006 film that warned that the world was headed for this tragic fate. And, for the added bonus, an ear of corn, the last remaining vegetable known to man, name the man who starred in it.

NMN scans the crowd.

NMN: The brother in the back.

BROTHER: Actually, I'm not a brother. I just have a wicked sunburn. I haven't found shelter from the sun in almost six months.

NMN: But at least you made it up here and that's what counts. It's only 135 degrees here. Imagine if you were someplace really hot. Well, do you have an answer for me?

“BROTHER”: The film was "An Inconvenient Truth" and the guy's name was...

NMN: Come on. You can do it. Rhymes with bore...but he wasn't a bore, was he? Well, he was when he ran for President, but--

FRAT BOY: Oh yeah, we learned about that in History. He lost to that "uniter, not a divider guy." What's his name? My professor said he was actually a divider after all.

NMN: Well, your teacher had it partially right. But before he got halfway through his second term his approval rating was 29%. That means he united almost three-quarters of the American people. They all agreed that he fucking sucked at being President.

“BROTHER”: Gore! It was Al Gore!

SKATER CHICK: My grandpa was telling me how he totally won and the Supreme Court just appointed Bush President of the United States.

“BROTHER”: Was that when we became a monarchy?

NMN: No, actually that’s when we became a theocracy. The U.S. didn’t become a monarchy until Halliburton bought the Army to reduce the skyrocketing deficit. It was really the government’s money since they had been handing it to Halliburton over the years. Anyway, those muthafuckas bought the Army and installed the Bush twins as queens.


NMN: Goddammit, Frat Boy! They’ve been dead for years. How many times do I have to tell you? If this game is going to work, we can only drink to new deaths.

Frat Boy hangs his head, disappointed.

FRAT BOY: Sorry.

NMN: Anyway, Queens Jenna and Barbara were installed. And that was the start of the monarchy. Unfortunately, they followed their father’s lead and hired polluters to oversee the environment.

FRAT BOY: Yeah, like Lee Raymond.

NMN: That’s right. After collecting $400 million to go the fuck home after using Exxon’s gas pumps to fuck a nation, Lee Raymond was bored. After all how many cigars can you light with hundred dollar bills before it just gets old?

“BROTHER”: Wait a minute. Didn’t you have him killed?

NMN: That’s an ugly accusation. But what the fuck? All the police are dead. Yeah, I had it done. That muthafucka should have taken me seriously when I told him I was going to shove all that money up his ass. Exxon and the other oil companies were fucking the American people from every direction. Energy crisis?! More like a crisis of decency. A crisis of muthafuckin’ morals! (suddenly sounding like Samuel L. Jackson) Yeah, Lee Raymond is dead. And I hope he burns in hell!

SKATER CHICK: But you drove an SUV. Why isn’t it your fault that the world is ending?

NMN: First of all, Skater Chick, fuck you! Don’t be comin’ at me like you ain’t got no fuckin’ sense just because it is the man-made end of days. Yeah, I drove an SUV. I bought the muthafucka in 2001. That was over twenty years after I sat in elementary school and listened to my teacher talk about alternative fuels and electric cars and solar power and a bunch of other shit that never came to fucking pass. For fuck’s sake, there was a gas crisis in ’79. Do you want to know what was done about the energy problems in the 22 years between the gas crisis and my SUV? Dick. Nada. Nothing. L’goose egg. And that’s because the car manufacturers and the muthafuckin’ oil magnates and the “for sale” politicians all greased each other’s palms and scratched each other’s back while they sentenced all of us to death. They flew in private jets. They were driven from here to there in town cars and limos. And what? I was supposed to pay ten grand over fucking sticker for technology that should have been available to me for years. I was supposed to drive my wife and twins around in a Prius like it was some niggafied clown car from the Univer-Soul Circus. Nah, man. Fuck that!

PA runs out and whispers in NMN’s ear.

NMN: I don’t give a fuck what the people at the MTV offices want. I’ll curse if I fucking want to curse. First of all, 1515 Broadway ain’t nothin’ but a fuckin’ people aquarium at this point. You know what? I’m out of here. There’s some brothers at Cape Canaveral who are looking to go to the moon. And one of their grandfathers used to read my blog. All those futuristic movies with nothing but white people and as it turns out, if it works, it’s gonna be with some niggas. That’s called irony. Did you learn that in school?

Frat Boy nods.

NMN presses a button on his watch and talks into it.

NMN: Let’s bounce like fake breasts.

A helicopter appears in the sky. NMN rushes to it and climbs in. The crowd looks on in amazement.

FRAT BOY: There hasn’t been any fuel for years. How…?

NMN: You ever heard of Soylent Green? Well, let’s just say that those Klansmen that died up here last week did not die in vain. See ya!

The helicopter pilot slumps over in his seat.


A hush falls over the crowd. The PA steps up and checks the pilot’s pulse.

PA: He’s…dead.


NMN bangs his head into his seat again and again.

NMN: Goddamn global warming!


Anonymous Mat said...

Dud that is some hysterically Clever Shit.

9:55 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home