Monday, May 01, 2006

Shut The Door Behind You!

NEW MILLENIUM NIGGA NEWS BRIEF (transcript provided by Reuters)
(credit given to Paul Mooney who introduced the idea of "The Nigga News" years ago)

NMN: And so, if you don't see your Mexican co-worker today, that's why. Today has been declared "Un Dia Sin Inmigrantes" or for you Anglos out there, "A Day Without Immigrants." Or as I like to call it, "Sure Hope Y'all Don't Get Fired and Live To Regret This Day Day."

That's it for this New Millennium Nigga News Brief. And now back to "Mr. New Millennium Nigga's Neighborhood" on the Nigga Network: Programming That Can't Possibly Be More Troubling Than What's On BET!


CUT TO:

MR. NEW MILLENNIUM NIGGA sports a red cardigan. He is surrounded by a bunch of kindergarteners who listen intently to the story being read. He turns the page and shows them all a picture of Lady Liberty standing at the door of a house.




KIDS: Aaaaahhhhhh...


NMN continues reading.


NMN: And the people of the world were all confused. Vicente the Mexican stepped forward and said, "Si, pero what about when you say, 'Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.'"

Then Lady Liberty thought for a moment and said, "Yeah...not so much. Sometimes, once your people have gotten into the house, you have to..."


NMN smiles at his riveted audience.


KIDS (yelling along): SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR BEHIND YOU!

NMN (reading): "Could it be that the house that immigrants built truly could not tolerate or accomodate any more immigrants?," the people murmured. They walked away, angry at Lady Liberty and all that she represented.




They never knew that the evil Republican politician, who claimed to love Lady Liberty, had been holding her hostage the whole time.


The End."









As NMN closes the book, The Minister of Propaganda walks over to him and whispers something in his ear.

The Minister of Propaganda hurries away.


NMN: There's an emergency, children.

REDHEAD KID: Do you have to go now, Mr. Nigga?

NMN: No. Not really.


NMN sits in the silent classroom for seven inexplicable minutes.


NMN: Alrighty then. In honor of "Un Dia Sin Inmigrantes" or as we say in English "Sure Hope Y'all Don't Get Fired and Live To Regret This Day Day," let's sing The New Millennium Nigga Remix of "The Star-Spengled Banner." Available in stores.

CUT TO:




BACK TO KIDS AND MR. NMN.


KID WITH AFRO: Mr. Nigga, there's no sex in your remix. Why did you use that cover art?

NMN: Because sex always sells in the world of music, Kid with Afro. Just like hate always sells in the world of right-wing politics. Plus, once the Rush Limbaughs of the world peep this remix, a simple little Spanish translation won't seem like the end of the fucking world after all. Now...let's sing.


They all sway as the MUSIC STARTS for "The Star-Spangled Banner."


ALL: Jose, can't you see?
We can't give you rights.
We like Wal-Mart sales.
Of low prices we're dreaming!

It's an election year.
And Iraq didn't go right.
So though nothing has changed.
We'll discuss the border o'er which your people are supposedly streaming!

And we know it's bullshit.
Hate's a disgusting habit.
In '04 it was the gays.
In '06 Mexicans must pay.

And we know it's not fair.
But we don't really care.
Ellis Island's alright.
But how did so many brown people get here?

Jose, please excuse us
for acting like we belong in caves.
From the land of the free...
unless you're a slave!


The MUSIC ENDS.


NMN: Fuck you very much, kids. Fuck you very, very much.


Mr. Nigga waves as he heads out the door.


REDHEAD KID: Mr. Nigga...?


Mr. Nigga pokes his head back into the room.


NMN: Yes, Redhead Kid?

REDHEAD KID: CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR BEHIND YOU!


The kids all laugh. Mr. Nigga smiles, hands on hips.

FADE TO BLACK...or brown...or red...or yellow...It's all good with A New Millennium Nigga.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jeez...how did u get funnier w. age? I mean you are like 50 now or something right?

Love you bro!
Court

12:52 PM  
Blogger Contract Attorney said...

I absolutely (absolut) LOVE the flag painted on that glorious ass. Drop it like it's HOT! More people would probably pay attention to political debates if we had some girls shaking it like a salt shaker!

Imagine ... every time Bush made some incoherent point, booty shakers would rush the stage and drop it like it's hot!

Toni aka Contract Attorney

7:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must say, that you are VERY funny. I can't quite dig the use of nigga and I REALLY don't agree with your stance on illegal immigration, but I must say that the way in which you presented was quite funny and made my day at work at least bland and mundane

12:09 PM  
Blogger RodriLN said...

lol, I'm sorry. I should have previewed what i wanted to post. You've made my day a little less bland and mundane.

12:10 PM  

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