Prophets of Rage?

Dear Jesus,

Big ups on the big day! Life after death? That's pretty impressive shit, man. And outside of Biggie I don't know anyone who has achieved it. Of course, for Biggie it was just an album title. But seriously... resurrection?!?!?!?! David Blaine wishes he was you. Am I right?

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about you and your Dad given the season. And I was struck by a sentiment that shocked me and I'm sure would have my mother turning over in her grave. Well, she doesn't have a grave. She was cremated...which pretty much rules out her pulling one of your three-days-later-How-ya-like-me-now? encore presentations. What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, you...and your Dad...and the sentiment...That's right. It was: First of all...fuck God!

Okay, okay. Calm down, nigga. (Why would I call you "nigga," you ask? Bronze skin? Hair like lamb's wool? You rolled with a posse that was 12 deep? The only sign you didn't leave was turning that water into Courvoisier.)

It hurts me to say it. But I've been hearing some things about God that just seem downright fucked up and I don't know if I'm down with him anymore.

First of all, did you know that "God Hates Fags"? Those are -- apparently -- His Words, not mine. Yeah, Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, has been kind enough as to inform us over the years that God does, in fact, "hate fags." He even went to Matthew Shepard's funeral and informed Matthew's grieving family that God hated him. Not only that, but he also informed them -- again at the funeral -- that Matthew would be going to hell. I, for one, don't "hate fags" and would love nothing more than for God to tell me that it is, in fact, Rev. Phelps who will be going to hell...if there is a hell...which is a whole other shit pile to dig through. But there it is, clear as day, on Phelps' website: "Matthew Shepard has been in hell for 2744 days."

It seems to me that if you die beaten, tied up and left to die that you have already been to hell. Can you imagine dying like that? Oh...Oh yeah...how embarrassing...I almost forgot who I was talking to. But then again, all's well that ends well, huh, nigga? Moving on...

Why does God "hate fags" so much? I mean, I hate to ask you to answer for Him, but that cow's already left the barn. You were always telling people what He thought. But you never mentioned "fags" as far as I can tell. And I've picked up a Bible once or twice. Why would you leave out his central shit and talk about tangential bullshit like "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." All you had to say was "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself, unless your neighbor is a fag. In that case, hate that muthafucka. God sure does."

Maybe if you wasn't so busy hanging with hos like Mary Magdalene... She was a ho, right? It does say that in the Bible, doesn't it? That's not some shit we made up, is it? ... Maybe if you wasn't so busy hanging with hos like Mary Magdalene, you would have had time to deliver the message your Daddy gave you, you fuckin' slacker.

And what's up with the fucking natural disasters? Take Katrina...please. (Sorry, that's inappropriate humor.) But seriously, take Katrina. That storm killed people, destroyed homes, ripped families apart. I sat and wondered why God would let that happen. I accepted that I can not possibly understand the ways of God. I turned my attention to the phenomenon of global warming and wondered if that could have anything to do with the fact that these storms are becoming a muthafuckin' bitch.

But then, as I was wasting my time thinking, Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans explained that which I found depressingly inexplicable. "Surely God is mad at America. He sent us hurricane after hurricane after hurricane, and it's destroyed and put stress on this country," Prophet Nagin shared. He also declared, "Surely he doesn't approve of us being in Iraq under false pretenses. But surely he is upset at black America also. We're not taking care of ourselves." Wow! No wonder it was such an ass-kicking storm. That's a lot of shit to express. It takes a lot of hot air -- the storm, not Mayor Nagin's statement, which was clearly relayed verbatim, straight from God -- to express displeasure over a war in Iraq AND the state of the Black community. Seems like a goddamn shame -- so to speak -- to slam the shit out of people who are already not "taking care of themselves," but who am I to question the wisdom of God...and Mayor Nagin?

"This city will be a majority African American city. It's the way God wants it to be. You can't have New Orleans no other way. It wouldn't be New Orleans," the Apostle Ray would say later in his MLK Day Sermon on the Mound of Rotting Bodies. Now see, God needs to get his shit together. First, he sends one hurricane to address two completely separate issues. That's confusing. Then, He destroys mostly the Black communities, leaving niggas to die in a giant cesspool because He wants to give those very niggas the city? Huh? Is your Pops senile? It's not easy to deal with, J.C., but it's something that we sometimes have to face. The Old Man isn't making much sense these days. And frankly, He seems a little ornery lately. I mean, why would He slam a bunch of niggas in the Gulf Coast to show His displeasure about America being in Iraq? Bush didn't live in the projects down there. And, generally speaking, niggas don't vote. And if they do vote, they generally don't vote Republican. So, why pick on them? This ain't their war. Crawford, TX is way west of there. I hate to say it, but could it be that God's aim is for shit? Something weird is up. I am sure that Katrina was a punishment for Iraq. An honorable man like Mayor Nagin would never just make some shit like that up.

But I'm confused by something else. I thought that Dubya prayed about the War In Iraq. Wouldn't it have made more sense to just tell Dubya not to engage in a preemptive war that couldn't be won than to displace the citizens of New Orleans to make that point? You should tell your Pops that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Like 9/11, now that was a clear, unambiguous message.

As Rev. Jerry Falwell clearly stated, "The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say: you helped this happen." And here I thought it was Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda...and the United States since we sort of helped to create Osama, the terrorist, back when he was fighting the Soviets. But it was the pagans all along. FUCKING PAGANS!

I would ask Rev. Falwell to explain further, to verify that he was sharing the Word of God and not his own small-minded, hateful rantings, that he wasn't pulling that revelation straight out of his presumably virgin ass, but he explained on another occasion that "Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions." I thought that weird since 1 Thessolians 5:21 reads "Test all things and hold fast to that which is good." But like Ray Nagin and Dubya, Jerry Falwell is an honorable messenger of God who would never stoop so low as to invoke God's name to add weight and authority to a personal fucking opinion.

So, I'm left to believe that it really was the pagans...and the abortionists...and the gays...and the lesbians...

Personally, I think the Twin Towers being destroyed was the lesbian part. They were, after all, two giant phallic symbols and lesbians hate men...which means they hate dick...which means they hate phallic symbols...See where I'm going with this?

Hey, I think God is starting to talk to me now. Sweet. But which part was about abortion? Why would God kill all those people to convey a message about the "sanctity of all life"? (And could you explain the whole "sanctity of all life" thing, 'cause there wasn't nothing too sanctified, as far as this nigga could tell, about a bunch of niggas rotting in the Superdome while Dubya pulled his fuckin' pud up in D.C.)

So, in conclusion, "God hates fags" which is why Matthew Shepard is dead and/or why 9/11 happened and/or why Katrina ravaged New Orleans. Unless Katrina was actually God's way of saying that we should not be in Iraq. Unless, as Dubya has told us, we are doing God's work in Iraq. And then there's the pagans. FUCKING PAGANS!

Your Father is a confusin' muthafucka, man. He got more ghostwriters than a rap star.

Wait. God is talking to me again. He said to read Matthew 7:15.

That's weird. That scripture says, "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves."

Seems like a weird time to tell a nigga to look at that verse, just when I was exploring the words of his modern-day disciples.

Amen.