I Am Changing

The Rev. Ted Haggard is "completely heterosexual." Like Effie White in "DreamGirls" -- a musical and thus of no interest to a "completely heterosexual" man like Haggard -- Rev. Haggard is chaaaaayaaayaaayaang-ing.

Wow! It only took him three weeks of intensive therapy to cure himself of his gayness. And that is why I nominate him for HNIC. (For those who would employ reverse racism in this case and insist that the HNIC be Black, I respectfully point out that if Haggard could become straight in three weeks, he could probably transform himself from White to Black in about two and a half months...tops. So there.)

With the help of Jesus -- who apparently works most often with Evangelicals and Soul Train Award winners -- Haggard seems to have found the key to "solving" complicated "problems" in record time. At this rate, I'm betting that he could end poverty, defeat hunger, decrease the incarceration rate and rid our communities of drugs by Christmas.

"Hang all the mistletoe/Life for y'all niggas will be better/This Christmas."

That means that by the top of 2008 he could tackle my "Baby Daddy Is Not A Real Relation" campaign. (Seriously people, pick somebody and make babies with them. You don't have to get married, but DAMN. I'm sayin'.)

May be then he could get some niggas together to cure Cancer...and AIDS! Now, that would be a Black History moment for your ass. (But admittedly wouldn't leave much to do after March 2008.)

I do find myself wondering, though. If being heterosexual is such a simple thing, why didn't Rev. Haggard do it in the first place? I'm sure he'll explain after the election.

All rise -- to your feet, not in your jeans -- for the next HNIC...The Tranformative Rev. Ted Haggard!