Monday, February 13, 2006

Cheney Shoots Companion

NEW MILLENIUM NIGGA NEWS HOUR (transcript provided by Reuters)
(credit given to Paul Mooney who introduced the idea of "The Nigga News" years ago)

A NEW MILLENIUM NIGGA speaks directly to Camera A delivering "Today's Mathematics," his final thought and sign-off.

NEW MILLENNIUM NIGGA: ...and so, in conclusion, while it is true that people kill people, guns do expedite the process. Anyone who has tried to kill a nigga with a basketball, as I have, can attest--

A New Millennium Nigga stops and puts his finger to his earpiece. He listens intently.

NMN: This just in...Vice President Dick Cheney has reportedly shot a hunting companion. (to the producers) Was it Rumsfeld? If it was Rumsfeld, I'm joining the NRA. That's my word, nigga.

A New Millennium Nigga listens some more.

NMN: Really? What was he doing there.

A New Millennium Nigga turns to Camera B camera.

NMN: Apparently, Jesse Jackson is in stable condition. No word yet on whether he will accept the Vice President's invitation to join him on a second hunting excursion.

A New Millennium NIgga puts his finger back to his earpiece.

NMN: Wait...sorry...they got a shot of Jesse Jackson going down to the ranch. Well, you already know that. Wherever there's a camera, he'll be there. So who did Cheney shoot?...Harry?...Harry who?...Dick shot Harry in the face? I ain't know it was a Brokeback "hunting" trip. I thought it was his daughter who got down like that.

A New Millennium Nigga laughs at his own joke...then remembers he's on the air. He turns back to Camera A.

NMN: The man who was shot, Harry Whittington, a 78 year old had appartently "pulled off a double," which is what it is called when a hunter brings down two quail with two successive shots from his shotgun. Reportedly, the Vice President was not doing quite as well. Then, mysteriously, Mr. Whittington gets shot. Daaaammmmmnnnn. Now, that's gangsta.

Back to Camera B.

NMN: I'm just glad to see that after two years of war in Iraq, somebody in this administration finally picked up a gun.

A New Millennium Nigga puts his finger back to the earpiece.

NMN: So?...First of all...fuck the FBI! Ain't nobody scared of them,

Back to Camera A.

NMN: That does it for tonight's New Millennium Nigga News Hour. Tune in next week, when we'll have Dr. Sanjay Gupta on to explain how Star Jones balances that same ol' big ass head on her newly slenderized neck. Good night. And Peace in the Middle East...again.

Chuck D leads Public Enemy out onto the stage (without Flavor Flav who is permanently barred by A New Millennium Nigga). They perform the New Millennium Nigga News Hour theme song.

VOICE-OVER: New Millennium Nigga News Hour is brought to you by your local Check Cashing Spot. "If you charged this kind of interest on a loan, you would be arrested for loan sharking." Your local Check Cashing Spot...fucking poor people for years now.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Topic suggestion . . . "Fuck Flava Flav". Please?!


7:22 PM  
Anonymous D Mang said...

Unnamed scooters close the administration have leaked that Harry Whittington was in fact a "covert quail."

6:42 PM  
Blogger New Millennium Nigga said...

Hell'a funny, DMang!

I was also thing that this is the second Bush presidency to be hurt by a Quayle...I mean, quail.

6:17 AM  

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