Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Say It Ain't So, Joe

First of all...Fuck Joe Theismann!

Some of you may be wondering, "Who the fuck is Joe Theismann?" Well, to answer that, I will first tell you who the fuck he was.

Joe Theismann was the quarterback of the Washington Redskins from 1978-1985. He won a Super Bowl and was once the league MVP. And if you ask anybody who was a football fan in 1985, they can tell you about the moment on Monday Night Football when Lawrence Taylor broke Theismann’s leg while sacking him. It looked like he had two knees. It was fucking gross.

Why am I cursing his stupid ass out twenty-one years after he was forced into retirement? I’ll tell you why by telling him why, in an open letter.

Dear Joe,

First of all…fuck you! I don’t say that because you were a Redskin and I am a Giants fan. I don’t even say that because I’ve had to listen to your inane dronings on Sunday Night Football for years.

Yes, we know. When a football is thrown, it often follows an arc. Do they actually pay you to sit there and marvel at the fact that that which goes up must come down? (Touchdown) Jesus. Good work if you can get it, I guess. The phenomenon is called gravity. Look it up and stop wasting my precious football viewing time with your bullshit.

Hey, may be next year you could do an analysis of that orange “glowy” stuff that is so hot. (By the way, it’s called fire.) Or you could do a segment on how when the groundskeepers turn on the sprinklers AND the sun shines, the fucking grass grows, you fucking idiot.

But your incessant babbling about the most basic of scientific principles is not why I say, “Fuck you!” It is simply why I should have long ago. No, I say fuck you for kicking Ricky Williams when he’s down.

Here are some of the quotes that particularly grabbed my attention:

“I don't ever want to be mentioned in the same breath as Ricky Williams as a football player. He's a disgrace to the game. The man doesn't deserve to play football. He should go on with his life and treat his drug addictions or go do whatever he wants to do.”

“He's been suspended from the National Football League on multiple occasions. Doesn't anybody have any class anywhere? For gosh sakes, let the kid go do what he wants to do. He doesn't want to play football.”

Here’s a question for you, since you seem so knowledgeable about drug addiction. Were you on the “Budweiser Hot Seat” (as seen on SportsCenter every fucking day) when you started bashing Ricky or was it during one of the Red Stripe commercials that run on your network ‘round the clock? Or may be it was during one of the highlight packages that used the “…and twins” melody made famous by a Coors advertising campaign featuring scantily clad twins. Or were you getting the scripts you and your colleagues read when Levitra or Viagra or Pleezstayhard flashes across my screen before some nationally-televised game? I just want some fucking context for your judgemental rantings.


I have heard Jim Kelly invite Chris Berman over for some beers on the fucking air. Was that a disgrace?

I bet you’re thinking that marijuana, Ricky’s apparent drug of choice, is illegal. Can’t argue with you there. But why is it illegal? Could it be that the government knows that if it were legal, it could be grown in the average backyard? We can’t have people getting fucked up, if Uncle Sam can’t cash in on it, taxing shit like crazy. Could it be that the tobacco companies are scared? That they’ve invested millions to keep marijuana illegal? No, it couldn’t be any of that. It must be that cirrhosis of the liver, as caused by alcohol, is so goddamn wonderful that we wouldn’t want anybody in this drugged out country to fuck things up by finding a high that is not physically addictive.

Ricky Williams suffers from social anxiety. Weed helps him manage that. Where’s the disgrace in that? I don’t see any disgrace in that.

But here’s some shit in the world of football I do find disgraceful:

Ricky, reportedly, did not test positive for marijuana. I do not know what substance was found, but his “drug addiction” apparently was not the issue. So get your fucking facts straight before you malign the man. You’re a member of the media now. And spewing half-baked analysis is just as ugly from an ESPN analyst as it is from the likes of Bill O’Lie-ly over on Fox News.

Your teammate, Dexter Manley, graduated from Oklahoma State University and couldn’t read above a second grade level. That’s just one of thousands of examples of how this sport uses brothers shamelessly, chews them up and spits them out. “Doesn't anybody have any class anywhere?” I don’t know. But they sure don’t seem to have any class -- or any classes -- at OSU. That’s a fucking disgrace!

While on the topic of education, allow me to turn to your alma mater, Notre Dame. That football program has all the integrity of a New Orleans levee. In 2001, the football program was recognized for having a 100% graduation rate. Before the end of that year , the head coach, Bob Davie, received his pink slip. Removing the “student” from the phrase “student-athlete?” That’s a fucking disgrace!

The coach who followed him, Ty Willingham, was fired after three years although Notre Dame had never in its storied history broken a contract, never failed to allow a coach the full five years to right the program. But then again, Ty was Black. And we already know that niggas have to be twice as good to get half as far, so there was no real surprise there. But that kind of blatant racism? That’s a fucking disgrace!

Our nation is so pumped full of pharmaceutical drugs that I know of an office of a respectable organization where Zoloft is referred to as “Vitamin Z.” That’s a fucking disgrace!

Apparently, some of the drugs that we pop into our kids like they’re fucking Pez cause suicidal thoughts. Warnings have been added to the labels, but that doesn’t mean that parents and doctors aren’t slangin’ that shit like they are the PTA version of Tony Montana. That’s a fucking disgrace!

And a guy changing the pronunciation of his name from THEEZ-MAN to THIGHS-MAN so that it would rhyme with “Heisman” (the award given to the top college football player in the nation)? That’s the kind of self-promotion that got Kellen Winslow Jr. blasted when he played at Miami. You remember, don’t you? He was a disgrace, too, according to some. Yeah, I think a guy changing his name so that it rhymes with the award he’s pandering for is lame beyond fucking description. That’s a fucking disgrace!

Here’s a news flash. Ricky Williams wants to play football. That’s why he’s…(drum roll, please)…playing football. Instead of making up shit about what he wants or doesn’t want to do, why don’t you speak on shit you know about? There have got to be more scientific facts that you could share. Like may be when a bucket is dumped on a couch, you could point out that water is wet, you stupid muthafucka.

Ricky Williams has had a lot to deal with over the last few years. He is obviously a person in search of happiness, in search of something. He has been suspended from the NFL, where he wants to play, for a year. He will now be playing in Canada for a fraction of what he could have made in the NFL. And all this seems to have sprung from his use of a substance that in no way enhances his football performance. (see Bill Romanowski, the rabid ‘roid rager who pretty much ended Marcus Williams’ career – another fucking disgrace!)

Don’t pick on Ricky. He’s never said he wasn’t responsible for his own actions. He never pulled a Palmeiro and wagged his finger at Congress while he lied through his teeth. All he’s ever done is accept the consequences of his actions, which is more than can be said about a lot of people in this country, including the asshole in the Oval Office.

It is not for you to decide from on high (so to speak) who does and does not deserve to play football…even if it is for your former team. So, do me a favor. Don’t kick a man when he’s down. That’s a fucking disgrace!

A New Millennium Nigga


Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

I watched football for exactly one year: '97 to '98. And back then New Orleans was my team of choice, and Ricky Williams was my player of choice. Since I've been blind to anything football since then, you had me a little heartbroken for a minute. Until you got to the part where weed was the drug of choice that is.

Then I burst out laughing. Maybe it's that I'm from BC, where marijuana is pretty darn close to legal (just don't sell it), but seriously, weed deserved that kind of lambast?

Reminds me of these businesses in East Van that have decided to "fight back" against drug addicts by posting signs telling customers not to give money to panhandlers. You can find said signs on the front of a number of...liquor stores.
Right. I know that heroin addiction is much worse than drinking a beer, but I'm also more likely to be a) raped by a drunk b) run down by a drunk driver or c) abused by a drunk partner than I am by a junkie.

But it's so much more fun to look down on other people for their failings than admit your own, I guess.
Odd, that.

7:56 AM  
Blogger Contract Attorney said...

Too fucking funny! "Apparently, some of the drugs that we pop into our kids like they’re fucking Pez cause suicidal thoughts. Warnings have been added to the labels, but that doesn’t mean that parents and doctors aren’t slangin’ that shit like they are the PTA version of Tony Montana. That’s a fucking disgrace!" Careful now ... blaming parents for the actions of their children ... that's dangerous!

It's amazing to me the cover that gets thrown over actions depending on the class and race of the participants. I can assure you if enough WASPs started openly smoking weed, it would be legal! But we cannot possibly have a drug that allows people of color to escape their fucking miserable lives, misery caused in part by America's rampant racism. No ... that cannot happen! So, go back to being fucking miserable, Ricky! It's what you deserve for introducing dreadlocks to the NFL!

10:54 AM  
Blogger SOUTHERN COMFORT said...

It was good to hear someone blast Joe's ass. I just find it so amusing when crackers have something to say on shit they should keep their mouths shut about. We really didn't need to hear your opinion Joe. Who the fuck are you anyway? As Rick Ross says in his song "Jose Canseco just snitchin' 'cause he's finished!" Same shit applies to you Joe. Thanks for putting his lil ass in check. I never liked him anyway. Fuckin' sad excuse for a QB anyway.

12:06 PM  

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