Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Tough Love

America walks up to the quiet house, stumbling drunk. After fumbling with his keys, he opens the door and trips into the living room. There, in the darkness, sits A New Millennium Nigga.


NMN: Where the fuck have you been? What the fuck have you been doing in Iraq for three years when I sent your ass to Afghanistan? I mean, seriously. Get your shit together. You're not some baby republic anymore. You're the United Fucking States of America. You're 230 years old today. And it's time you grew the fuck up.

230 years old and you still believe -- or at least tell - fairy tales like "democracy is on the march" and "mission accomplished." The time comes in every boy's life when he must put away his childish ways. That time has come and gone for you. Grow the fuck up! And don't tell me no bullshit about having to spread democracy to people who have been beaten, tortured and murdered by an evil government. 'Cause if that's what you're about, logically you would have to be one suicidal muthafucka, muthafucka.

230 years old and you are still the same racist muthafucka you have always been. No, there's no more slavery...officially, at least. But it's the small things. They add up. Like Big Ben Roethlisberger. Now, here this muthafucka rides a motorcycle...with no helmet -- AND NO GODDAMN LICENSE! -- and the sports world wrings its hands, "praying for a speedy recovery." A year earlier, Kellen Winslow Jr. does the same shit and everybody I heard on sports radio was using his accident to confirm and affirm that he was a bad seed. It is selfish and irresponsible for a person upon whom others depend to be out playing Russian Roulette with his life and their livelihood. But if that's true for K2 it has got to be true for Big Ben. See, it's little shit like that.

JJ Redick, basketball star and poster boy from Duke -- and by the way, their lacrosse team is a study in what's wrong with America -- gets busted driving drunk and where's the outrage in the sports world. But let Chad Johnson do an (entertaining) end zone celebration and, to hear people tell it, the very fabric of America is being shredded by his negritude. It's shit like that.

Shit like that fucking Andrea Yates. She drowned her fucking kids in a bathtub and admitted she did it. As a matter of fact, after drowning the first couple, one of the kids said, "Hey ma. Why you killin' everybody?" She chased that muthafucka down and killed him too. Now she's getting a new trial. And you're wringing your hands again. She's got post-partum depression?! She still killed her fucking kids. But because she's some nice white lady, who reminds Agnes in Des Moines of herself, we have to come up with some way to explain that she's less a murderer than the niggas you love to use to lead the local news. You can give Andrea Yates a thousand fucking trials, but at the end of the day, she's still gonna be the lady who killed her helpless fucking kids. Insanity? Really? OF COURSE SHE WAS INSANE! SHE KILLED HER FUCKING KIDS!

But where's all this compassion, all this fucking pious understanding, when some nigga shoots another nigga over a pair of sneakers or a vial of crack or a fifty-cent pack of cookies. Don't you think those muthafuckas might be crazy too? A friend of mine used to say that he was "Depressed on account of being oppressed." Most the niggas in jail are out dey goddamn minds. So let's give that shit a fancy name and set those muthafuckas free. I like "Post-Ghetto-Good-Muthafuckin'-Sense-Deficiency-Trigger- Finger-Hyperactivity-Disorder." But I'll leave the naming of the shit to the professionals. I just wish that everybody cared so much about mental health when the defendant looked like Lionel Jefferson instead of Marsha Brady. But all I hear is, "Marsha. Marsha. Marsha." And it makes me wish I could watch that clip of her beak being broken on a fucking loop on a jumbotron in Times Square.

230 years old and you still hold on to the same bullshit, non-sensical stereotypes you always have. It makes no fucking sense, you ignorant bastard. BLACK PEOPLE ARE LAZY?! Jus always remember this:

WHO THE FUCK WENT TO GET WHOM TO DO WHOSE MUTHAFUCKIN' WORK?! Lazy?! Fuck you, you slave driving piece of shit. There wouldn't be an America without the uncompensated sweat equity of Black people. LAZY?! You got a fuckin' nerve. But that comes as no surprise. You had to have a fucking nerve to do that shit in the first place.

BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T SWIM?! Just because niggas drowned during the Middle Passage does not mean they couldn't swim. It just means that they rathered diving into shark-infested waters to becoming your slaves, to spending another minute with you. And getting back to Iraq, that's your fucking problem now. You never consider that being around you ain't no privilege. You may be surprised by the insurgency, but I ain't. And I don't think I'm alone. You have no idea how many niggas in America have a litttle (unexpressed) Nat Turner in them.

BLACK PEOPLE LOVE FRIED CHICKEN AND WATERMELON?! First of all, I have, in my lifetime, known a brother whose nickname was "Watermelon." And still the people I know who love fried chicken and watermelon most were all white! Tell some white people there's gonna be fried chicken and/or watermelon served and they get a look of joy on their face like there's going to be a "90210" marathon on all fucking day. You know what? I had a chance to fly on a private jet last year (with a lovely group of white people). You know what they served? Cold fried chicken. I don't know what your hang up is about chicken and watermelon, but, for a change, don't put your shit on us.

230 years old! And what have you amounted to? You're a racist muthafucka who refuses to clean up the messes he makes...at home or abroad. You know what? Go straight to bed. No dinner. Let's face it. You could afford to miss a meal with your slothful, gluttonous, ever-widening ass.

So as you watch those fireworks tonight -- from your bedroom window, because you are on punishment, muthafucka -- realize that I, A New Millennium Nigga, am trying like those fireworks to bring light to your darkness. Now, if you would just listen and change your ugly, racist ways maybe by the tricentennial you will have managed to wash some of the blood of your Black people and of brown, yellow and every other color people throughout the world from your violent, wicked hands.


AMERICA STORMS OFF TO BED.


NMN: (after him) And no more invasions for another ten years, young man!


THE BEDROOM DOOR SLAMS.



NMN: HAPPY MUTHAFUCKIN' BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

3 Comments:

Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

You know when you get into that mode where you're just buyin groceries, and trying to get the kids to go to bed at a decent hour, and keep a livable schedule, then some shit slaps you across the face and suddenly you remember that Everything Is Not Okay?

The whole "Black people can't swim" thing was one of those moments for me.

It's a fucked up world out there with some fucked up people, and if it's true that the old Schoolyard Bully really does just suffer from low self-esteem, then I say double up on all that Prozac that's tainting our water supplies, cause dammit, it's needed.

11:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God bless, man.

And as a whitey, you're dead right - I would gladly eat fried chicken, steeped in the best hot sauce money can buy, every damned day of the week if I didn't think it'd destroy my body faster than the damage already being done by the smokes and booze.

...of course, I'd eat that fried chicken every night while watching my "90210" DVDs, don't get me wrong.

-- seth

8:21 AM  
Blogger spoken609 said...

I'm gonna get fired laughing so hard at your hard hitting, yet unique way of expressing the truths of life. So freaking true...I remember in highschool, the mother of one of my caucasian friends called my dad and asked for his recipe for fried chicken...What the f^&k is a recipe for fried chicken??? But they loved it...Thanx for bringing back that memory...

Great stuff...I love your work....

8:11 AM  

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