Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Lethal Weapon 5

LETHAL WEAPON 5: Hate…The Deadliest Weapon

based on a true bigot


EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - NIGHT
A Lexus careens past a sign that reads: SPEED LIMIT 45 MPH.


INT./EXT. LEXUS – NIGHT

The speedometer reads: 87 MPH.

Mel Gibson, acclaimed actor, director and raging alcoholic sings along spiritedly to Borat’s “Throw the Jew Down the Well.” He’s not laughing. He doesn’t realize it was a joke. Neither does he realize that he’s a fucking joke.

A POLICE SIREN WAILS.


EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – NIGHT

Two Officers approach Mel’s Lexus.


OFFICER 1
License and registration.


Mel hands his license and registration to Officer 1.


MEL
You may take my license and registration but you will never take my freedom!

OFFICER 1
Ohhhh-kay.


He looks over at Officer 2, who just shrugs.


OFFICER 2
Do you know why we stopped you?

MEL
Because I’ve got worse luck than a baby Jew dick facing a mole.

OFFICER 2
What?!

MEL
You know…a mole. Snip. Snip. Bye-bye, dick tip.

OFFICER 1
You mean a mohel?

MEL
Mole, mohel. To-may-to, to-mah-to. Halloween, holocaust.

OFFICER 2
Have you been drinking?

MEL
Are you a Jew?

OFFICER 2
What?

MEL
Huh?


Officer 1 reaches into the car and pulls the keys from the ignition.


OFFICER 1
Please step out of the car, sir.

MEL
You may take my car keys but you will never take my freedom!

CUT TO:


EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – NIGHT

A police tow truck pulls away with Mel’s Lexus.

As a handcuffed Mel is put in the backseat of the police cruiser—

MEL
You may take my car but –

OFFICER 1
Yeah. We know. Your freedom. You have the right to remain silent, Adolf. Use it.


Officer 1 pushes him into the car and slams the door behind him.


CUT TO:


INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Captain Murphy sits at his desk in his office.


CAPTAIN MURPHY
Now, after being arrested Gibson kept talking about losing something. But he was so shitfaced nobody could figure out what it was.


Across from him sits Det. Riggs (who could pass for Mel Gibson in a pinch).


RIGGS
I’ll work the case. But not with a Nigger.

NEW MILLENNIUM NIGGA
The name is Nigga.


A New Millennium Nigga sits next to Riggs.


NMN
Detective Nigga, muthafucka. But you should call me NMN. I don’t like how ‘nigger’ falls off your lips so easy.


Riggs stands and squares off.


RIGGS
That’s fine with me, Detective Nigger.


NMN stands nose to nose with Riggs.


NMN
You better not say it again or else.

CAPTAIN MURPHY
Nigga. Calm down. Riggs, don’t say it. Nigga’s crazy.

RIGGS
Or else what…Nigger.


CUT TO:


EXT. CEDAR SINAI EMERGENCY ROOM – NIGHT

Nigga and Riggs walk out of the emergency room. Riggs is limping.


RIGGS
Fine. I’m sorry I called you ‘Nigger.’

NMN
Okay. Then I’m sorry I shot you.

RIGGS
I’m also sorry that I was worked on by a Jew doctor at a place called Cedar Sinai.


NMN rolls his eyes and opens the car door.


NMN
Let’s get to work. Mel Gibson lost something and it’s our job to find it.


Riggs looks up at the Cedar Sinai sign as he gets in the passenger seat.


RIGGS
I’m too anti-semitic for this shit.


CUT TO:


INT. BAR – NIGHT

A Woman Bartender wipes down the bar as Nigga and Riggs question her.


BARTENDER
He was talking crazy. ‘The holocaust never happened…The Jews started all the wars in the world…’

RIGGS
First, you say he was talking crazy. Then you say he was saying that the holocaust never happened and that the Jews started all the wars in the world. Which one was it, Sugar Tits?

BARTENDER
Excuse me!

RIGGS
I mean, the entire world conspiring to make up the story that was arguably the historical centerpiece of the 20th century…Makes sense to me.

BARTENDER
Did you just call me ‘Sugar Tits?’

RIGGS
Yeah. Why? Are your tits not sweet?

NMN
Let me apologize for my partner. He’s a hateful bigot. That kind of shit comes out in all sorts of ways. Thanks for your help.

BARTENDER
You’re welcome.


She turns to Riggs.


BARTENDER
You’re an asshole.

RIGGS
And you’re an argument for taking back women’s right to vote.

NMN
Will you shut the fuck up?


NMN turns to the bartender.


NMN
Ignore him. By the way, what was Gibson drinking?

BARTENDER
Screaming Nazis.

NMN
Figures.


The Bartender turns and walks away.


RIGGS
Those are my favorite.

NMN
Figures.

RIGGS
Hey, NMN. Didn’t they say Gibson had a bottle of tequila with him when he got stopped?

NMN
Yeah.

RIGGS
Well, lookee there, Senor.


Riggs points to a Latino Man at the bar.


CUT TO:


EXT. BAR – NIGHT

Nigga and Riggs walk out of the bar.


NMN
You should be careful how you talk to people.

RIGGS
How was I supposed to know he was the owner?

NMN
Even if he wasn’t, I don’t think ‘Hey Paco, get over here before I call INS,’ is the way to start a conversation.

RIGGS
Look, I see a Mexican, I think tequila.

NMN
He was Dominican.

RIGGS
What’d I say?

NMN
You’re going to get brought up on charges.

RIGGS
Who cares? All I have to do is get some Jew lawyer to Jew down the charges to a slap on the wrist.

NMN
Don’t think I won’t shoot you again just ‘cause you ain’t insultin’ Black people, you ign’ant bastard.


A New Millennium Nigga opens the car door.


RIGGS
What? What did I say?


He climbs into the passenger seat.


RIGGS
I’m too anti-semitic for this shit.


EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Riggs follows A New Millennium Nigga through the lot.

RIGGS
I don’t know why we had to waste time getting the keys. I thought you people all had to learn how to steal cars before you dropped out of high school and got your baby mothers pregnant.

NMN
One. It’s ‘baby mama.’ Two. Shooting your racist ass is still on the table.


They step up to the trunk of Mel Gibson’s Lexus. A New Millennium Nigga pulls the keys from his pocket and opens it. He smiles down.


NMN
Just as I suspected.


CUT TO:


INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT

A New Millennnium Nigga, standing amidst a crowd of Detectives, drops a human brain on a table.

CAPTAIN MURPHY
A brain?

NMN
A mind.

RIGGS
You mean he lost his mind?

NMN
We should have known.

CAPTAIN MURPHY
Why? Because when asked his thoughts on gay people he reportedly said, ‘They take it up the ass,’ then gestured and explained eloquently, ‘This is only for taking a shit.’

RIGGS
Don’t be ridiculous. People get away with being crude and hateful when talking about gay people all the time.

NMN
Sad, but true.

CAPTAIN MURPHY
Oh, I know. It must be because he was able to connect getting stopped for speeding and arrested on a DUI to Jewish people at all, never mind in an anti-semitic way.

NMN
No. We should have known he had lost his mind because he works in Hollywood and he let a few drinks get him talking bad about Jewish people. That’s like Pat Reilly getting caught telling nigger jokes.


Everyone laughs.


RIGGS
You’re right. They’re a bunch of Shylocks. Those Jews are going to take a pound of Mel’s flesh.

NMN
That’s it.


A New Millennium Nigga pulls his gun and shoots Riggs, who falls to the floor bleeding profusely. Apparently, if you shoot a racist, anti-semitic, sexist, general bigot, he does indeed bleed. He gasps for his last breath.


RIGGS
I’m too anti-semitic for this shit.


Riggs dies.

Everyone cheers.


CAPTAIN MURPHY
If only hatred had died right along with him.

NMN
You’re right. Hatred is the deadliest weapon of all…besides this here gun that is.


They all laugh.

Credits roll.


4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I gotta say that I'm not usually a fan of NMN as a character BUT this one got me more than a few times. "Halloween, holocaust" that's fucked up.

And thank you for saying that Mel lost his mind. That's the only reason I could come up with when the story broke. I mean that and he's a bigot.

nik

3:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, you are simply, brilliant.

7:07 PM  
Anonymous Edward said...

This is the best! Insightful perhaps because it is so globally insulting.
I wonder what Sweet Tits said when she heard Riggs was shot. I also wonder why the brain was found in the trunk and the heart not mentioned.

6:45 AM  
Blogger spoken609 said...

Another masterpiece of phenomenal proportions...Someone actually called me "sugar tits" once. He must not have known I was from Brooklyn. But I bet he realized after I took my foot out his ass...But anyway...Once again...you amaze me...

NT

7:06 PM  

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