Tuesday, August 29, 2006

U.S.A.D.D.

NEW MILLENIUM NIGGA NEWS BRIEF (transcript provided by Reuters)
(credit given to Paul Mooney who introduced the idea of "The Nigga News" years ago)

NMN: With a media landscape that is overrun with sensationalized stories, we here at The New Millennium Nigga News Brief take great pride in bringing you the important stories. And today we have just one of those types of stories for you.


August 29, 2006. Do you know what today is?


A small square over NMN's shoulder reads "Do You Know What Today Is?"

NMN: It's our anniversary. One year ago today Katrina and Dubya proved that they have something in common. For one, the fact that they blew last August caused a lot of people to die. I mean, the way they took New Orleans by storm... Turn out the lights and light a candle. That's all I have to say. In my mind they're a couple with star power.

Speaking of which, Brangelina -- or Brad and Angelina for those of you not in the celebrity know -- are looking to adopt another child. Apparently Angelina feels that--

NMN puts a finger to his earpiece.


NMN: Really? They adopted me? I didn't even know I was up for adoption.


NMN looks into camera.


NMN: Brad -- or should I say Dad? -- I plan to be the Black son that every white man in America dreams of having. And Angelina...wassup with the Oedipal, mami? You know Sanjay Gupta was on here last week and said that breastfeeding is good for brain development.


NMN winks at camera.


NMN: But what was I saying? Oh yeah, Katrina. See just because it hasn't been in the news constantly doesn't mean that it's not still an important story. I mean, that kind of death and destruction is certainly worthy of our national atten--


NMN puts his finger to his ear.


NMN: This just in...Some white girl is missing. Now, this is important, so pay attention. We want everybody across the nation to occupy themselves with looking for this little white girl. I mean if a missing white girl wasn't the most important shit in the world, why'd they name the AMBER Alert after a little white girl. Hello. Because if it was an ALIZE Alert everybody would switch over to American Idol. That's why. I mean, what's more important than a missing little white girl? Nothing. That's what. Not Iraq. Not Lebanon. Not Darfur. Not nothing.


Tears well in NMN's eyes.


NMN: Poor little white girl. It's so strange how no Black kids ever go missing. We're just lucky as a community I guess--


NMN listens to his earpiece.


NMN: They do. Then why don't we ever have days on end of around the clock--What the fuck do you mean who gives a fuck about them? Keep talkin' like I won't come back to the control room and stomp your ass. It's just that type of attitude that has allowed America to move on from the plight of children displaced by Katrina. Oh yeah, Katrina. I almost forgot. Dammit! Sorry. Time for sports.

This just in. We've received word from Dallas training camp that Terrell Owens is still an asshole. For more on T.O. and his assholic ways please go online to The Musings of A New Millennium Nigga and bask in the vitriolic rant that is "Big Head Niggas." (www.musingsnmn.blogspot.com/2006/04/big-head-niggas.html)

But before we run out of time I did want to speak to Mayor Nagin's recent comment defending the clean-up effort in New Orleans. The fount of mind-blowing quotes said, "That’s alright. You guys in New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed and it’s five years later. So let’s be fair." Shouldn't our politicians be political animals? How fucking stupid and insensitive would you have to be to say that in a "60 Minutes" interview? The man's not Marion Barry, but still... Am I the only Black person who cringes when he says the worst fucking thing at the worst possible fucking time. It's a time for rebuil--


NMN puts his finger to his earpiece.


NMN: News Flash. Having run out of names remotely related to his original moniker of Puffy, Sean "Diddy" Combs, has now changed his public name to Osvaldo. For those of you keeping score at home, that's Sean "Osvaldo" Combs. An odd choice to be sure, but-- Wait a minute. I just want to say this about Katrina --


NMN puts his finger to his earpiece...again. He's disgusted.


NMN: Fine. Many are saying that Conan O' Brien was insensitive to air a skit he had filmed days, if not weeks before the telecast of the Emmys, because there'd been a plane crash in Kentucky and the people whose lives were ripped apart by that crash might have rushed home to watch the muthafuckin' Emmys and been offended.


NMN listens then shakes his head.


NMN: And it's really, as always, about the kids. What?!?!?! The kids?!?!?! That's just fucking stupid. Get real, people. Kids don't watch the Emmys. And they certainly don't watch the news. So unless somebody's making plane crash jokes on Laguna-fucking-Beach I'm pretty sure the kids will be okay. So, log on and vote or whatever you do when you answer stupid ass questions to fill our air time. But back to Katrina.


NMN looks at the ceiling in frustration. He sighs.


NMN: (uninterested) Today it was reported that the President likes fart jokes. This is important for you to know because how else could you possibly determine that he's the man equipped to be the "Leader of the Free World." At least Clinton got his dick sucked. That's grown man shit. Doesn't it just make you sad to know that somewhere this sentence has been uttered, "Hey, Prime Minister, pull my finger." Fine, you want to do this story. I'll do this story.

Mr. President, here's a fart joke for you. What do the federal response to Katrina, a fart and Iraq all have in common?




Ya give up.




Ya really give up.




They all stink and they were all the work of an asshole. Get it.


NMN smiles at camera.


NMN: So, anyway, as I was saying--


NMN puts his finger to his ear.


NMN: OUT OF TIME?!?!?!?!


ANNOUNCER: The Nigga Network: Programming That Can't Possibly Be More Troubling Than What's On BET...or CNN...or MSNBC...or Fox...or

The sound fades out as the Announcer never runs out of names.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you.
That post ROCKS!!!!!

Now if only Brangelina would adopt me I could move to Africa and forget all about this shit....

9:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've got tears in my eyes! Keep up the good fight, NMN! Love.

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree completely...a man after my heart to say the least. Much love, keep the hits rollin' bro.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so thankful that pajiba lead me to you. You are like a cool drink of water for my brain, NMN.

10:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you.

10:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's not that we are a "lucky" community when it comes to black missing children. There have been hundreds but we are not deemed worthy enough to get the air-time that the white children and the white women get. Check it out on the web. We are not "lucky", we are ignored!

5:08 AM  
Blogger New Millennium Nigga said...

You're right, of course, about us being "lucky." I was being sarcastic. (Unsuccessfully, apparently.) Thanks for pointing out an important issue.

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, where in Miami does OJ live....I'd like to put a very sharp arrow throuh his head during one of his next golf outtings....I'm very suprised it hasn't happened yet...so I'm ready to take charge....

White Power....

6:31 PM  

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