Monday, April 24, 2006

The Musings Of A New Millennium Nigga: Letters To A Young Colored Girl

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Letters To A Young Colored Girl

Perhaps it was the audacity of "The Musings Of A New Millennium Nigga." Perhaps it was the unadulterated -- yet undiagnosed and unmedicated -- insanity of the rantings over these months. I suspect I will never fully know what led this particular young woman to write to A New Millennium Nigga. But once I read her letter, I knew I had to respond.

Dear NMN,

This afternoon after church, I read a story in the newspaper about a Black woman, a stripper and a student at North Carolina Central, who says that three white Duke Lacrosse players raped her. I'm finding the whole thing very upsetting and was wondering if you would do a "First of all...Fuck Duke Lacrosse players!" entry for all the sistahs out there.

Sha'quaLanda Jenkins

Dear Sha'quaLanda,

First of all…fuck Black Women! As a member of an "endangered species" – which, by the way, classifies Black men as NOT BEING FUCKING HUMAN! – I am shocked that you would be so selfish and self-centered. We, in the Black community, have always had an understanding. Your worries, your woes, yours trials and muthafuckin’ tribulations as "sistahs" will be addressed if and when we ever get around to restoring the manhood of the Black Man. Helloooooo. Hasn’t anybody ever told you this shit?

By the way, why is your name Sha'quaLanda?

Best Wishes,

Dear NMN,

Second of all...fuck you, too! My name is Sha'quaLanda because that's what my mama named me.

Now I expect you to address this issue. After writing "Fuck Oprah!" and "Fuck Destiny's Child!" you are skating on some thin muthafuckin' ice with Black women as it is. Do not make me take off my earrings and put no vaseline on my face! I ain't had no pepper under my nails in a while and I would love nothing more than to fuck your bitch-ass up.

Hugs and Kisses,

Dear Sha'quaLanda,

Alright. Alright. I sure don't want to be faced with a "mad Black woman." I have actually written the words "Fuck God!" and I still wasn't as scared for my life as I was when I wrote "Fuck Black women!" But hear me out.

The Black woman in America has always gotten the shit end of the stick. I guess I'm surprised that you're upset. I mean, White men raping Black women...? That's a Confederate tradition, isn't it? I don't know what happened in that house and neither do you, I'm guessing. But we both know that more than a few massas paid visits to the slave quarters with the smell of tobacco lingering in the still North Carolina night air. That's why this case has struck a nerve, if you ask me...which you a way.

By the way, where are you from anyway? And how old are you? You use a lot of curses. You know, profanity is just a lazy mind trying to express itself.


Dear NMN,

I'm 13. I'm from Brooklyn. And you've got a fucking nerve, Mr. Fuck This and Nigga That.

I think it's bullshit that you expect me to accept the way that Black women are disrespected. This bullshit is why I don't watch the Image Awards anymore. I couldn't believe they nominated R. Kelly for a fucking Image Award in 2003 after he was accused of being a statutory rapist and child pornographer in 2002. And don't even get me started on The (muthafuckin' )Soul Train Awards. They gave the nigga "The Stevie Wonder Lifetime Achievement Award."

Did you know that show aired just two days before this "alleged" rape. Ain't that a bitch? I ain't sayin' that one led to the other, but I'm just sayin', son.

Pissed-edly Yours,

Dear Sha'quaLanda,

First of all, I hear you on the Image Awards, but it's not fair to pick on Don Cornelius n'dem. They never claimed to be about shit in the first place.

But if you're talking about hideous treatment of Black women on TV, you can not forget BET. I know you think I'm talking about the run-of-the-mill champagne spraying on inexplicably bikini-clad dancers type shit. But I'm not. I'm talking about "BET Uncut." You're only 13 so you should not watch this show. It is basically porn set to hip-hop. Luckily, though BET is on basic cable, they do warn that no one under 17 should watch the show.

That was a real relief for me. I know how kids never watch shit they're not supposed to be watching. And I expect you to stay away, too.

Yours In Decency,

Dear NMN,

OOOOOHHHHH! That was some nasty ass shit! Did you know that Ludacris' song "Booty Poppin'" is really called "Pussy Poppin'?" Is that what guys like?

Considering Promiscuity,

Dear NMN,

I never heard back from you on whether that is what guys like.

Anyway, we've been talking so much about how many different ways Black women get disrespected that I almost forgot why I wrote in the first place. Duke Lacrosse. I read today that sales on Duke Lacrosse paraphenalia are through the roof. I understand "innocent until proven guilty" but now it just seems like they are getting extra love for being accused of raping a Black woman. What the fuck is that about?!

Seriously Hurt,

Dear Sha'quaLanda,

I will have to write back at another time. I am in a bidding war on e-Bay for a Slave Masters All-Stars Throwback jersey. The slogan on the back of the shirt is: Who's up for a little cabin stabbin'?

Isn't that hilarious?



Have you lost your mind? This shit is fuckin' important. Did you know there was an email written by one of the players that they've printed in the newspaper. He said, ""[T]ommrow night, after tonights show, ive decided to have some strippers over. However there will be no nudity. i plan on killing the bitches as soon as the walk in and proceding to cut their skin off."

The defense lawyers said it was "in bad taste." The muthafucka didn't wear white after Labor Day! He didn't chew with his fucking mouth open! He described straight up killing and mutilating some "bitches."

Why won't anybody look out for girls like me? You're supposed to be such a strong Black man. Say something! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!


Dear Sha'quaLanda,

Nobody likes an angry Black woman. Try to remeber that.

You want me to say, "Fuck Duke Lacrosse!"? Okay, fine...


Ya happy now? But I still say that it's bigger than the Duke case. I'm usually not one to turn attention away from shit white people have done, but I feel hypocritical defending this woman's honor, when I see what Black women face every day.

This whole thing makes me think of what 2Pac said:

And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
(“Keep Ya Head Up”)

Of course he also said:

I wanna be a baller, please
But the bitches and the liquor keep on callin me

So...what the fuck did he know? And for that matter, what the fuck do I know.

What's my point? I don't know. I guess it's that until I can figure out something more, I promise not to fuck you. Not literally (like R. Kelly who I hear is into the young'uns) or with my language. (You know how I like to lead with a good "First of all...Fuck (insert name)!". )

But my problem is that I believe that our community has historically sacrificed our girls and we continue to let you down. I look at my baby daughter and know that somewhere a guy who is already in high school is going to try to pick her up one day. I know that if an article saying that Black boys are struggling hits The New York Times, hands will wring and teeth will gnash. But what about her? What about you?

Who is going to tell you that poppin' yo' pussy is not the only way to go? Who is going to tell you that your "Daddy love me" issues can not be remedied by some grown fucking predator? Who is going to figure out how to structure a world where no Black girl has to strip her way through school?

Whenever, I look at my daughter, I'll think of you. And I'll be wishing you all the best. But I don't think I'll be able to shake this feeling that, even though I promise not to "fuck" you, if things don't change in our community, you may already be fucked. And not just because your name is Sha'quaLanda.

Take Care,
A New Millennium Nigga

Monday, April 17, 2006

The Musings Of A New Millennium Nigga: Prophets of Rage?

Prophets of Rage?

Dear Jesus,

Big ups on the big day! Life after death? That's pretty impressive shit, man. And outside of Biggie I don't know anyone who has achieved it. Of course, for Biggie it was just an album title. But seriously... resurrection?!?!?!?! David Blaine wishes he was you. Am I right?

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about you and your Dad given the season. And I was struck by a sentiment that shocked me and I'm sure would have my mother turning over in her grave. Well, she doesn't have a grave. She was cremated...which pretty much rules out her pulling one of your three-days-later-How-ya-like-me-now? encore presentations. What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, you...and your Dad...and the sentiment...That's right. It was: First of all...fuck God!

Okay, okay. Calm down, nigga. (Why would I call you "nigga," you ask? Bronze skin? Hair like lamb's wool? You rolled with a posse that was 12 deep? The only sign you didn't leave was turning that water into Courvoisier.)

It hurts me to say it. But I've been hearing some things about God that just seem downright fucked up and I don't know if I'm down with him anymore.

First of all, did you know that "God Hates Fags"? Those are -- apparently -- His Words, not mine. Yeah, Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, has been kind enough as to inform us over the years that God does, in fact, "hate fags." He even went to Matthew Shepard's funeral and informed Matthew's grieving family that God hated him. Not only that, but he also informed them -- again at the funeral -- that Matthew would be going to hell. I, for one, don't "hate fags" and would love nothing more than for God to tell me that it is, in fact, Rev. Phelps who will be going to hell...if there is a hell...which is a whole other shit pile to dig through. But there it is, clear as day, on Phelps' website: "Matthew Shepard has been in hell for 2744 days."

It seems to me that if you die beaten, tied up and left to die that you have already been to hell. Can you imagine dying like that? Oh...Oh embarrassing...I almost forgot who I was talking to. But then again, all's well that ends well, huh, nigga? Moving on...

Why does God "hate fags" so much? I mean, I hate to ask you to answer for Him, but that cow's already left the barn. You were always telling people what He thought. But you never mentioned "fags" as far as I can tell. And I've picked up a Bible once or twice. Why would you leave out his central shit and talk about tangential bullshit like "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." All you had to say was "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself, unless your neighbor is a fag. In that case, hate that muthafucka. God sure does."

Maybe if you wasn't so busy hanging with hos like Mary Magdalene... She was a ho, right? It does say that in the Bible, doesn't it? That's not some shit we made up, is it? ... Maybe if you wasn't so busy hanging with hos like Mary Magdalene, you would have had time to deliver the message your Daddy gave you, you fuckin' slacker.

And what's up with the fucking natural disasters? Take Katrina...please. (Sorry, that's inappropriate humor.) But seriously, take Katrina. That storm killed people, destroyed homes, ripped families apart. I sat and wondered why God would let that happen. I accepted that I can not possibly understand the ways of God. I turned my attention to the phenomenon of global warming and wondered if that could have anything to do with the fact that these storms are becoming a muthafuckin' bitch.

But then, as I was wasting my time thinking, Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans explained that which I found depressingly inexplicable. "Surely God is mad at America. He sent us hurricane after hurricane after hurricane, and it's destroyed and put stress on this country," Prophet Nagin shared. He also declared, "Surely he doesn't approve of us being in Iraq under false pretenses. But surely he is upset at black America also. We're not taking care of ourselves." Wow! No wonder it was such an ass-kicking storm. That's a lot of shit to express. It takes a lot of hot air -- the storm, not Mayor Nagin's statement, which was clearly relayed verbatim, straight from God -- to express displeasure over a war in Iraq AND the state of the Black community. Seems like a goddamn shame -- so to speak -- to slam the shit out of people who are already not "taking care of themselves," but who am I to question the wisdom of God...and Mayor Nagin?

"This city will be a majority African American city. It's the way God wants it to be. You can't have New Orleans no other way. It wouldn't be New Orleans," the Apostle Ray would say later in his MLK Day Sermon on the Mound of Rotting Bodies. Now see, God needs to get his shit together. First, he sends one hurricane to address two completely separate issues. That's confusing. Then, He destroys mostly the Black communities, leaving niggas to die in a giant cesspool because He wants to give those very niggas the city? Huh? Is your Pops senile? It's not easy to deal with, J.C., but it's something that we sometimes have to face. The Old Man isn't making much sense these days. And frankly, He seems a little ornery lately. I mean, why would He slam a bunch of niggas in the Gulf Coast to show His displeasure about America being in Iraq? Bush didn't live in the projects down there. And, generally speaking, niggas don't vote. And if they do vote, they generally don't vote Republican. So, why pick on them? This ain't their war. Crawford, TX is way west of there. I hate to say it, but could it be that God's aim is for shit? Something weird is up. I am sure that Katrina was a punishment for Iraq. An honorable man like Mayor Nagin would never just make some shit like that up.

But I'm confused by something else. I thought that Dubya prayed about the War In Iraq. Wouldn't it have made more sense to just tell Dubya not to engage in a preemptive war that couldn't be won than to displace the citizens of New Orleans to make that point? You should tell your Pops that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Like 9/11, now that was a clear, unambiguous message.

As Rev. Jerry Falwell clearly stated, "The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say: you helped this happen." And here I thought it was Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda...and the United States since we sort of helped to create Osama, the terrorist, back when he was fighting the Soviets. But it was the pagans all along. FUCKING PAGANS!

I would ask Rev. Falwell to explain further, to verify that he was sharing the Word of God and not his own small-minded, hateful rantings, that he wasn't pulling that revelation straight out of his presumably virgin ass, but he explained on another occasion that "Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions." I thought that weird since 1 Thessolians 5:21 reads "Test all things and hold fast to that which is good." But like Ray Nagin and Dubya, Jerry Falwell is an honorable messenger of God who would never stoop so low as to invoke God's name to add weight and authority to a personal fucking opinion.

So, I'm left to believe that it really was the pagans...and the abortionists...and the gays...and the lesbians...

Personally, I think the Twin Towers being destroyed was the lesbian part. They were, after all, two giant phallic symbols and lesbians hate men...which means they hate dick...which means they hate phallic symbols...See where I'm going with this?

Hey, I think God is starting to talk to me now. Sweet. But which part was about abortion? Why would God kill all those people to convey a message about the "sanctity of all life"? (And could you explain the whole "sanctity of all life" thing, 'cause there wasn't nothing too sanctified, as far as this nigga could tell, about a bunch of niggas rotting in the Superdome while Dubya pulled his fuckin' pud up in D.C.)

So, in conclusion, "God hates fags" which is why Matthew Shepard is dead and/or why 9/11 happened and/or why Katrina ravaged New Orleans. Unless Katrina was actually God's way of saying that we should not be in Iraq. Unless, as Dubya has told us, we are doing God's work in Iraq. And then there's the pagans. FUCKING PAGANS!

Your Father is a confusin' muthafucka, man. He got more ghostwriters than a rap star.

Wait. God is talking to me again. He said to read Matthew 7:15.

That's weird. That scripture says, "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves."

Seems like a weird time to tell a nigga to look at that verse, just when I was exploring the words of his modern-day disciples.


Monday, April 10, 2006

The Musings Of A New Millennium Nigga: Big Head Niggas

Big Head Niggas

First of all...fuck Terrell Owens! That nigga is in desparate need of a T.O.. Sure, he got his big deal in Big D. But, in the end, he'll fuck that up too. Why? Because when you're that gassed...and your head is that fucking's hard to keep your feet on the ground. It's hard to believe that the sun doesn't rise and set on your ass. It's hard to understand that you are such a miserable muthafucka that a team would rather pay you millions to go the fuck away than force you to honor your contract. Alright, let me slow down. Not everybody loves football (though everybody should!).

Quickly, here's the history of Terrell Owens in the a nutshell. He started out in San Francisco where he developed into a miserable muthafucka. There, he attacked his quarterback, Jeff Garcia. Professional that he is, he even resorted to the 3rd grade classic "He's gay!" That's class. Never mind that it's T.O. who insists on prancing around practice in tights...not that there's anything wrong with that. So, despite his being arguably the best receiver in football, San Francisco said sayonara to Terrell.

Now, there may be no 'I' in team, but there is one in paid. And that's what T.O. figured he'd be once he became a free agent. One small problem. His agent fucked up the paperwork and he didn't become a free agent. So, San Francisco seized the opportunity to fuck T.O. (figuratively, of course) and shipped his ass off to Baltimore, the wide receiver equivalent of Siberia. Terrell stamped his feet. "They're picking on me," he said. He got his way. He signed a big free agent deal and went off to Philly where his ass would be catching balls from Donovan McNabb. (Seriously, I'm not trying to make this sound gay.)

Then, in Philly, T.O. turns on Donovan McNabb, who may just be the most likable guy in sports. (And that's coming from a Giants fan who hates the fucking Eagles.) This, despite the fact that McNabb had his back when he got to Philly...even described him as a good teammate...with a straight face! All of a sudden, McNabb, who made it to the NFC Championship Game three straight years throwing to guys with the nicknames "Trash" and "Stinkston", sucked.

Robin Harris used to tell a joke about a kid asking him what two humping dogs were doing. Not wanting to blow the kid's mind, he explains that the one in the back hurt his leg and the one in the front is helping him out. Then the kid turns to him and says, "Ain't that just like a friend. Try to help them out and they'll fuck you every time." I'm guessing Donovan McNabb gets that joke.

Alright, so the football-challenged among you are caught up. Almost. What price did T.O. pay for proving to be an absolute asshole? The Dallas Cowboys signed this miserable muthafuckin' malcontent. They will be paying him big fuckin' bucks. He got his way...again! And the shit makes my blood boil. I heard that his jerseys are the top sellers in Dallas already. That makes me sick. It just goes to prove what hypocrites sports fans can be. A guy could be caught jerking off into the empty skull of a baby he just boiled, but if he might help your favorite team get to the Super Bowl then he's A-okay. (see Kobe "Room Serviced" Bryant)

This country is upside-fuckin-down. It seems like the best thing you can do is be the worst possible person you can be. Then you get paid the big bucks. Then you get the reality show. That's right. The makers of "Trading Spaces" are producing a reality show on T.O. Apparently, they are in on the conspiracy to make me go all Michael Douglass in "Falling Down".

The more of a piece of shit human being you prove to be, the better off you are. If you're the infamous Omarosa and lie and cheat and cost a muthafucka the job on "The Apprentice" (and act like you cute...when you are as ugly outside as you are inside...and that's pretty goddamn ugly!) you get a Burger King deal. You show up on other TV shows. And if I heard right, somebody pays you to write a book. What the fuck is that?!

The more of a cocksucker you prove to be, the better off you are. If you're Paris Hilton, Barbara Walters interviews you for being...I don't know...the most popular ho on the internet. And though she's not an athlete -- unless chintop billiards has been declared a real sport -- this shit is all related, man. Do you know that I saw a clip of her mother on "I Want To Be A Hilton" advising young women on how to be ladies?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? Where do you get off, "lady"? (We already know where your daughter gets front of a camera.) You have no idea how many hours of prayer it took to mend the vein that ruptured in my brain at that moment.

But back to big head niggas and the cities that love them. Am I the only one who is sick of Barry Bonds, the King of the Big Head Niggas? He was chosen as king because he is LITERALLY a Big Head Nigga. Goddamn! That muthafucka is walking around with the Rock of Gibraltar balancing on his thick ass neck and he expects us to believe that he wasn't juicing. Even he can't say that shit with a straight face. He sued the writers of "Game of Shadows", a book that outlined his steroid use, not for libel, but for some backdoor bullshit about how they got their information. That is the equivalent of this marital exchange:

HUSBAND: Are you fucking Harry?

WIFE: Who told you that?

Any answer but "no" means "yes." If she ain't fuckin' Harry, she's going to say, "No!"

And now, predictably, "Bonds on Bonds" is brought to us on ESPN. Barry needs to get around the prosecutors and persecutors and tell his side of the story. What's your side, Barry? That you didn't feel you were getting your love, so you cheated. That you are determined to break Hank Aaron's record and you don't care if you've taken so much horse hormone that you gallop and neigh your way around the bases when you do it. And now you have the nerve to say that you are being singled out because you're Black.

Barry, they say that patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. Well, one nigga to another, I tell you that racism has become the last refuge of a Black scoundrel. O.J. Michael Jackson. You. Everybody gets real fucking political when the shit hits the fan. Hank Aaron had to go through some real shit. Death threats. You're upset because people ask you an obvious and simple question. Did you use steroids? The answer is as clear as your Incredible Hulk-like growth spurt. But we'd like you to answer the question...honestly.

Instead you play like you're Jackie Robinson or Larry Doby breaking the color line. You ain't, muthafucka. The line you crossed is a simple one. You cheated. There's not a kindergartener who doesn't know that cheating is wrong. But why should you care? You'll break the record and you'll cross the only color line that matters to you big head niggas--the one you cross over to get to the green.

I would say, "If the cap fits, wear it." But who the fuck can find a cap big enough to fit you big head niggas?!